just got back from Paynes... i know i'm a grouch, but come on.

Two regulars from the neighborhood hunched over sandwiches in the corner.

4 tables put together in the middle of the room full of hyper white tourists doing a great "I'm Jewish & everyone will be impressed by me" impersonation.

"This floor sure is slippery!" proclaimed one 55 year old, shuffling his feet.

"I'd like those with extra sauce, my friend from Alabama told me to get extra sauce!" said the ringleader, sans yarmulke. [Note to future Paynes visitors: extra sauce on the Paynes sandwich will turn the lower bun to a reddish-brown spongey thing covered in meat. Bad sandwich.]

2 squat white ladies, in clean clothes, approached the counter at different times. "We need more napkins! You're out of napkins at the table!"

Waited for the group to get their assorted sandwiches and hot dogs. "We'll be back for seconds and thirds!" exclaimed the ringleader, taking his rapidly sogging plates back to their table. Flora Payne, behind the counter, smiled and shook her head.

I got my smoked sausage and chopped sandwiches, both hot, without extra sauce, and left.

Got back to the shop. Damn, the sausage and sandwich were good. Tom Scharpling taking apart Sufjan Stevens on the Best Show on WFMU. All right!

Sounds like a payne.

hemant and I went to my than the other night, it must have been old fart night, anywho this group of three sat behind us and wanted three spring rolls (they come in orders of two, for those who have not be blessed by the my than), and the poor lady had to keep arguing back and forth.

"We want three"
"Three order"
"No, just three"
"They come two in order"
"We just want three, can we get three"
"They come two in order"
We left.

Silky Sullivan is a regular over in that joint... he loves him some My Thanh!

I hate that type shit...I just wanna crawl up in a hole when that kind of thing happens.

hmm... maybe they're Butch's wealthy art patrons...

and, sorry to say, I just turned in a piece on Payne's chopped shoulder sandwich which will run in the flyer at some point... and yeah, last time I was in there, i had to translate for some central gardens type who couldn't understand the question "sliced or chopped."

i had to translate for some central gardens type who couldn't understand the question "sliced or chopped."

I am cringing all the way over here.

i know! i hate to feel like a snob... i should want everyone to experience the beauty & greatness of Paynes, and have Paynes reap the financial bonanza of busloads of tourists coming in from Central Gardens (about 3 blocks away)...

but damn, some folks just don't know how to act!

[no offense meant to jewishes, either... i should be able to come up with a better way to describe people than cheap stereotypes... but i can't. ]

My favorite unbelievable cheap Memphian story of late:
some soccermom driving a bmw suv axes the counter help at cafe francisco for a "to go" bag for the free popcorn they give while you drink coffee, hang out, & surf the internet. I couldn't believe it! When I asked the guy at the counter why he didn't charge her for it, he said she does that every day.

[no offense meant to jewishes, either... i should be able to come up with a better way to describe people than cheap stereotypes... but i can't. ]

Thanks for clarifying. I'll deactivate the weather machine and tell ZOG to reinstate your credit rating.

Now, Sherman, that is just a "Memphian" story! Was she nice about it or a bitch? If she were nice, I'd hook her up, but if not...no dice.

And Eric, I have had that feeling about everything cool in Memphis always. It makes me wanna scream sometimes to the people, "Jesus! Did you grow up in a barn?" It is stunning what they think passes for manners; are these old Central Gardeners or some new folk? My grandmom would have slapped me silly if I ever had come in any restaurant like that.

Is that the same soccer mom that tried to hump JDRhea?

No, she was in a minivan. Maybe bmw makes a minivan these days.

She was more eccentric, annoying, & self-important than anything else. A definite sense of entitlement: "I'm buying an expensive cup of coffee so I demand my free perks with it."

The guy just shook his head in disgust like it was easier to let her have it than to call her on it and risk some neurotic breakdown.

Being cheap is truly an art perfected in Memphis.

Sucky story. It should go like this...

Normally, I'm not into the rich ladies. I had just got finished with my workout at the gym and went to Cafe Francisco for something refreshing. I was sitting at the table drinking an energy drink, and looking at my "guns" in the window reflection. Then some soccermom driving a BMW suv came in; she was HOT! I could tell she was frustrated by something, and I had a feeling I could help out - if you know what I mean....
Anyway, she axes the counter help at cafe francisco for a "to go" bag for the free popcorn they give while you drink coffee, hang out, & surf the internet. The boy obliged, but then she shot a look at me. I knew the fire in her eyes were warming other places in her body, too. Then she said "Hey, big guy, you look awfully strong. Could you carry this big bag of popcorn the the truck for me?"
In one cool move, I kissed my biceps, and slid across the floor to her.
"I'll hold your bags, ma'am", I said.
She looked my spandex shorts up and down, and said "I bet you can, big man!"
When she opened the back door to the SUV outside, I bent over to put down the popcorn. When I did that, though, she puhed me into the back, jumped in with me, and slammed the doors shut. We did it, like, nine times or something listening to a greatest hits tape by the guy that sang that "St. Elmo's Fire" song. Finally, I had given her the satisfaction she wanted, and she threw me out of the back of the truck.
I couldn't believe it!
When I asked the guy at the counter why he didn't charge her for it, he said she does that every day. I just rubbed my big chin, and thought to myself, "You don't say..."

HA!

"I'll hold your bags, ma'am"

Is this one of those hidden meaning sentences?

[no offense meant to jewishes, either... i should be able to come up with a better way to describe people than cheap stereotypes... but i can't. ]

Stereotypes exist for a reason.

And we should embrace them!

Amen!

Jack....you're bonafide.

wait....boner-fide?

So I came back the next day, around the same time, maybe a few hours earlier--who keeps time these days (that reminds me, I gotta answer that guy who keeps emailing me about the Oyster Perpetual Rolex deal). Sure enough, like clockwork, my buxom ladyfriend from the previous day came begging for her "free popcorn"--if you know what I mean! My heart throbbed louder than the drone of Ann Coulter. Today, I decided, not only will I load her corn in the back of the suv, but I'll also take her for a "test drive!" I'm thinking, 'this babealicious can afford the gas...why not take a her for a few laps around the block?" I am totally psyched and let's just say, it's about time I got to use that viagra prescription...

Anyway, my new/old vaguely hot friend eyes me and says, "Hey, Popcorn Stud, get in the car." This time, I'm ready (been in the cub scouts for years and all that training will finally pay off!) I tell her maybe it's time we get to know each other in a more intimate, private atmosphere. She cackles a bit, then guns the engine, peeling out all over the trolley tracks--barely missing an unoccupied horse carriage parked on the side of Main St.

Crazy eyes continues speeding through Uptown, running red lights up Thomas Ave. for about twenty minutes. Abandoned warehouses on the left, burned-out empty lots on the right. Homeless people in the middle of the road are jumping out of the way--I'm thinking they never move that fast when I'm driving. Before I realize it, we're in Frayser, zipping along past the blood bank about 85 miles an hour and I'm thinking this is not what I had in mind.

(More later, I gotta run, my mom just walked in...)

Pig n Whislte... all the way..!! over hearing pool hustlers and how they are gonna make it big by bein pool sharks after drinking 2 heinekens.. fantastic. Food was off da chain..!!

how do they make "pulled pork"..? sounds simple enuff,, but im a little slow.

when we were in town for gonerfest our (ex) drummer "bushmeister" stood right in front of the door at gus's chicken and talked loudly the whole time about deep fried cotton pickin porch monkeys.

And you say "ex" because he was murdered shortly thereafter?

wait....boner-fide?

wait...goner-fide.

i had a friend who was working in a cabinet shop here in ut where they had some tools labeled white and others labeled mexican.

they shut down before i had a chance to take action