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Goner Message Board / ???? / Terri Schiavo:
Posted: Mar 21, 2005 3:59 am
I've got your feeding tube right here, bitch.
Posted: Mar 21, 2005 6:13 am
that is the best post I've read here in a long time.
Posted: Mar 21, 2005 8:12 am
Are you holding on to it waiting for the ultimate decision? Do you really want your prints on the final pull when the big guy decides if you go yay or nay to the great beyond or grand beneath? Are you ready to pin it all on this one move? It's turning point.

That shit is so insensitive.

When I was younger on the brown fields of Algoma Elementary School there was this guy, his name was Richie and we called him "Richie the Retard" because he was retarded and he was a year or 2 or five our elder and he was not too bright (he was fucking retarded afterall). We'd play a little game called "I've got the football Richie" where we'd mock that poor bastard by claiming we had the football and hunching over, running a bit and looking semi-convincing of such (at least for a retard, I guess) but we never really had a football in those situations. However he'd chase us, the one with the "football" and he was quick because God declares those who are weak mentally should have redemption in physical ability, and when he was about to claim his "football" prize we stop and throw our hands about and say nothing. Though this nothingness was quite well understood by the unretarded brethren, one of whom would then take over the role of "I got the football" and this shit would go on for minutes, and was especially nice on those days when we didn't have jack to do waiting for the bell to ring so we could go about our figuring, scribbling and academic pursuits. There was no football, he was retarded and he fell for it all the time. Days and days this happened. Yes there was an occasional hitch in the grand scheme, for instance when he was seemingly on to our little "game" (yet that seem so inconceivable, it is more likely that he was frustrated with the fact that he wasn't quick enough to get the ball, and being retarded he wasn't able to understand that he was blessed with Godly Retard strength and speed), this day he pushed a classmate into the mud. This classmate was clad in white, head to toe, and why? I don't know, it was raining for days leading up to this, it wasn't picture day either, but it was muddy as all get out. So Richie the Retard pushes, and J. Tebon splashes into a tepid puddle of muddy water and we all, Richie included, have a grand old laugh at his expense. Richie got in a world of trouble from Lyle S: Math teacher extraordinaire, overseer of righteousness, overbearer of his tough facade and wise old control and banger of Ms. Wirth the librarian [though he could be a just fellow, particularly when I was caught fucking with a small helpless fuck, progeny #4 of many more, which is (are) a different story entirely and one I feel much regret for considering I'll probably get a mail bomb from the recipient of ridicule at some point]). It went on and on and on, and then one day Richie was gone.

4 or so years or more later, after his departure that is (he being Richie), I'm in the relative comfort of somewhere and I hear that some retard drown in the springtime at the mouth of the Forestville damn. This retard had decided that going into freezing, spring rushing waters, with hip boots on was a splendid idea. He stumbled, the boots succumb to the rushing water and it's a bitch enough to stand up in stagnant waters with those on. Pinned beneath the frigid water, he drown, or froze or both.

Richie the retard drown baby.
Posted: Mar 21, 2005 2:14 pm
Insensitivity rules.
Posted: Mar 21, 2005 2:15 pm | Edited by: sexualchocolate
There was this retarded kid in my junior high named Ignatious...he talked like Gilbert Godfried, and he could always be seen running to class with an over full backpack...me and my best friend Damion Corseti had a couple classes with him....sex ed in particular....I kind of liked the guy, but Damion thought it would be fun to teach him to "Chapter 2"...that was code language to whip it out and start jerkin......everyonce in a while we'd whisper to him to show us "Chapter 2"...and he'd unzip his pants and start jerkin....one day in sex ed, he was buggin the hell out of everybody, so I whispered to him to show us Chapter 2....and show it to Courtney Damion added....Courtney was the hot girl that sat a row up........he did, Courtney Screamed, Coach yelled, me and Damien laughed....Ignatius got suspended and we got detention. I can still picture him sittin there jerkin his shit sayin, "hey Courtney, hey hey Courtney"...like a cross between Gilbert Godfried and Beavis.......shit I just dumped my banquet chicken on the ground.
Posted: Mar 21, 2005 4:19 pm
When I was younger, there was this retarded kid William, cleverly chrsitened "Billy the Retard" by us kids. He used to chase us, and we would run as if being pursued by a monster. Why? I don't know. He shit his pants a lot, so he smelled pretty bad, and had a constant stream of drool emanating from the side of his mouth. And he was always mad about something, constantly mumbling and cursing to himself in some undecipherable retard-tongue. Pretty scary sight for some young kids. Perhaps. Perhaps he just wanted to be our friend? I'll never know. 20 years have passed by. I'm a lot older and wiser. And Billy? He's still retarded. Occasionally I'll spot him walking down one of the streets of the old neighborhood, still looking the same, just mangier and larger. I wonder if he'd recognize me and chase me if he saw me now? I'm scared to find out. Because if he did, I'd kick him right in his retarded nuts.
Posted: Mar 21, 2005 5:39 pm
I went to high school with a retard named Billy. His face was always red, so someone cleverly christened him Billy the Red Faced Retard. Smart bunch at that high school.
Posted: Mar 21, 2005 5:47 pm
Yesterday's New York Times said:

[Lawmakers] said it would allow Ms. Schiavo's parents to ask a federal judge to restore her feeding tube on the ground that their daughter's constitutional rights were being violated by the withholding of nutrition needed to keep her alive.

Personally, I think that it would be great to set a precedent that we have a constitutional right to nutrition, and I intend to use this argument today at Potbelly's and score a free sandwich.
Posted: Mar 21, 2005 5:48 pm
There was a kid at my school named Arnie. He was a fringe retard. He functioned pretty well, but still acted weird and ran like a horse down the hallway with overstuffed backpack in tow. The kids would unzip his backpack and as he ran, all of his stuff would fall out. They also used to camp out by his locker and after he'd finally open it after a couple of minute try, someone would distract him and as he turned around, another person would shut the locker so he'd have to open it again. It's sad about that guy. I always felt like shit when I'd see those assholes fucking with him.
Posted: Mar 21, 2005 6:20 pm
Does anybody know the real name of the special education class "CDC" in the Memphis City Schools? We always referred to the class as Crazy Dangerous Children.
Posted: Mar 21, 2005 7:44 pm | Edited by: sexualchocolate
There was this guy who lived in my neighborhood in highschool named Bengi...he was 6 foot 4 and had the mentality of a 10 year old in a grown mans body...he kind of looked like Shrek....he carrried around a Xena the Warrior Princess doll, and told people it was his girlfriend...he was always talking about sex, and he would sneek up behind girls and start humping them.....my Mom was good friends with his Mom, but she was afraid of Benji...my sisters were afraid of Benji....I think he finaly graduated when he was 24...which is as old as you can get for the public school system to keep babysitting you.......I wonder if he's a registered sex offender yet.
Posted: Mar 21, 2005 8:46 pm
How did this become a "defending the retards" thread?
Posted: Mar 21, 2005 8:48 pm
Don't even get me started with retard stories.... I've got one that'll make you wanna throw up from a job I had to do for a mentally challenged school...
Posted: Mar 21, 2005 8:51 pm
scrape your balls on a cinder block
Posted: Mar 21, 2005 8:52 pm
Shiavo's life was spared by Congress and the born-again... I mean President. Now let's see how God handles the case.
I wonder if there's not a slim chance at least that he'll let her continue rotting the same way she has been for 5 or 10 more years while Mom and Dad pretend her nerve induced twitching is a smile or sadness the same way they have been. It's just like when people tell everyone what their dog/cat is thinking. We wouldn't justify that in Congress would we?
Posted: Mar 21, 2005 8:57 pm
just imagine the congealed fat and bruise skin on her back side. maybe god will help her fatty tissue secrete oils and turn her into a living ball of lard. on a feeding tube. her parents could lick it while they watch the us bomb the fuck out of the middle east on tv.
Posted: Mar 21, 2005 9:09 pm
Posted: Mar 21, 2005 9:15 pm
Just incase I ever get "Schiavoed," here's my living will. Please see to it that my wishes are fulfilled:

1) Kill me Wile E. Coyote style- take me to the desert, strap me to a rocket, drop me into a canyon, smash me into a tunnel painted on the side of a rock, or put me in front of a speeding train. Record this on video. Post a link to it on the goner board for all to enjoy.

2) Sell all of my posessions and give all the money to Al Qaeda. Also give my savings account to Al Qaeda. Somehow convert all my credit to cash, and give to Al Qaeda.

3) Before step 1, cut off my penis and feed it to Terri Schiavo.
Posted: Mar 21, 2005 9:19 pm
"America's Most Amusing Living Wills"- up next!
Posted: Mar 21, 2005 9:28 pm
Posted: Mar 21, 2005 9:37 pm
dear so and so, in the event that my lungs heart and brain are the only things left functioning please inject my skull with heroin daily and have someone pet me and read me stories. also please include a mixture of liquified doughnuts in my regular feeding tube nutrients.
Posted: Mar 21, 2005 9:38 pm
3) Before step 1, cut off my penis and feed it to Terri Schiavo.

They don't make feeding tubes that small!!!
Posted: Mar 22, 2005 1:30 am
I dunno, I'm split on this issue. While her parents are obviously misguided in their attempts to keep their "smiling" retarded daughter alive, I still think they have more of a right to what happens to her then her husband. Considering the divorce rate, and the moral climate of the U.S. at this time, a husband/wife doesn't mean shit except somebody you get a tax break with. Chances are, she would have lived, they would have been together three-five more years, and they would have gotten divorced. I think the parents who raised her for 18+ years have a bit more of a right to decide when "God" will take her away than some guy who could have potentially ended up a shitty first husband.......but whatevs.

That being said, the local department of children and families in FL was constantly getting calls about suppoused "abuse" done to Shavio by her hubby while she was in a coma. Bruises, beatings, ect. All of it unsubstanciated, usually done annonymously by crazy religious/right wingers in a desperate ploy to make the guy look bad. Conjurs up a funny mental imgage, though.........man beats retard/coma wife! That'll teach that bitch to keep her mouth shut!
Posted: Mar 22, 2005 4:30 am
Considering the divorce rate, and the moral climate of the U.S. at this time, a husband/wife doesn't mean shit except somebody you get a tax break with.

Posted: Mar 22, 2005 4:37 am
is a raisin.
Posted: Mar 22, 2005 6:39 am
I like nachos
Posted: Mar 22, 2005 1:12 pm
is staying alive because of machines gods will? he already tried to kill her once.
Posted: Mar 22, 2005 3:02 pm
hasn't she been unconscious for 15 years? I think most real retards (people in Florida, Christians) think she is going to raise up march to Israel defeat the beast and bring in the reign of JC.
Posted: Mar 22, 2005 3:09 pm
he already tried to kill her once.

Wasn't the cause of her original stroke because of potassium imbalance brought on by anorexia and liquid dieting. She should get double damnation.

But really, can't they just give her last rites or something and then switch her off?
Posted: Mar 22, 2005 3:38 pm
I'm surprised peta has stepped in since they're are essentially starving her to death. Oh wait, she's a human, not a dog. Nevermind.
Posted: Mar 22, 2005 3:51 pm | Edited by: mrlastname
I have three channels on my TV, and Terri "Ron Reyes" Chavo is always on two of them. This makes me sick, but not deathbed sick like she is.
Posted: Mar 22, 2005 4:04 pm
Posted: Mar 22, 2005 4:39 pm | Edited by: sexualchocolate
she's a feminist alright and she has a websight to prove it.
Posted: Mar 22, 2005 4:46 pm
South Mouth is fixin' to kick my ass over this. I should just stick to dirty jokes when dealing with her.
Posted: Mar 22, 2005 4:48 pm
I couldn't read all of that Feminist Response but I'm wondering if they picked up the implicit metaphor imbeded in the legal battle for the "forced insertion" of the tube.
Posted: Mar 22, 2005 4:50 pm
I don't know, he did turn down a million bucks. I could buy alot of tall cans and video games with that kind of money.
Posted: Mar 22, 2005 4:52 pm
I don't understand how anybody can have an opinion on this..exept the news media is trying to make everyone have an opinion by crammin this story down our throats....I don't know the family, I don't know who's telling the truth, and everybody is making alot of brash assumptions on the matter........It realy seems like this country has turned into a bunch of loud-mouthed stupid asses.
Posted: Mar 22, 2005 4:54 pm
Get me a smooth-handled spoon of some sort. Hee hee.
Posted: Mar 22, 2005 4:56 pm
Lets hear about more crazy retard antics.
Posted: Mar 22, 2005 5:06 pm
There was this bald retard named Jeremy who was included in the grades 1-3 Montessori classroom I went to. During swim class he used to jump out of the changing room stalls, naked, and tunelessly sing "Uptown Girl" by Billy Joel "like a retard", while strumming his penis as one might strum a guitar. Take that Costes!
Posted: Mar 22, 2005 5:16 pm
There was this sort of mad genius retard that went to my high school when I switched to the public schools. It was rumored that he french kissed his mom (a math teacher at the school) and that his dad worked for NASA. He would go to the top of the stair case and hang upside down, pretending to shoot people with his finger raygun. His sister was a freshman when I was a senior and he'd already graduated. She was really sweet, but also sort of retarded. She was in the special classes and was in love with another freshman retard named Jeremy who was in our ceramics class. He had buttery looking teeth but they were so good for each other. When I went to college, I met some people that talked about this guy on campus that pretended to shoot people with his finger raygun. Wouldn't you know it was my high school retard, Drew? I bet he's some millionaire now, in his funny little button up plaid shirt, shooting people with evil finger rayguns from a bunker out in Arizona somewhere.
Posted: Mar 22, 2005 5:33 pm
There was this kid named Jason Otsvalt that went to our highschool. He said he had sex with his rabbits.
Posted: Mar 22, 2005 5:47 pm
this whole thing is making me never want to eat Schav again. I'll stick to Borscht, thanks.
Posted: Mar 22, 2005 5:54 pm | Edited by: backslider
Fuck Terri, www.savetoby.com !

(ok, I know I'm not THAT retarded, what's wrong with the Goner links?)
Posted: Mar 24, 2005 1:40 am
This just in!!! Gov. Jeb Bush seeks to gain custody of Schiavo.
Posted: Mar 24, 2005 1:47 am
He probably thinks she can still vote or somethin..
Posted: Mar 24, 2005 2:10 am
Posted: Mar 24, 2005 2:45 am
shes hot for a retard
Posted: Mar 24, 2005 2:55 am
Posted: Mar 24, 2005 7:27 am
The CIA should give her to Hezbollah for execution. Then we could have a reason to attack Iran and Syria and she'd be in heaven bringing in the sheaves.
Posted: Mar 24, 2005 2:31 pm
Posted: Mar 24, 2005 3:04 pm
hey man .. the old quarter toss usually works for my life decisions
Posted: Mar 24, 2005 5:00 pm
I avoid all news. I never even heard of the Schiavo case until a couple days ago. still have no idea what it is all about (other than a retard) and i don't care. Last news I heard, there was a tsunami somewhere....and someone landed on the moon.
Posted: Mar 24, 2005 5:19 pm
There was a guy in college everybody called "Speedy." He was this tall, thin normal-looking black dude, but he walked around double-time and his head never really swivelled from his shoulders. Apparently, he was some sort of math-science genius, but he wouldn't have looked out of place at the local nuthouse. He used to have food trays in each of the adjoining lunch rooms. He'd go to one, eat some ham, and then speed away to the next one, where he'd have mashed potatoes set up into a mountain with utensils at the apex. If a spoon would fall, he would freak out and emit a seal call. Then he'd go to the next room and have dessert. He was not putting on for anyone, just legitimately really weird...maybe more autistic than retarded, but I can't believe he's out on the streets as I write this. I can't really describe the funniest Speedy scene, but there were these Western-style swinging double doors in partitions behind one of the salad bars that ya' didn't even notice, usually, but one day out of nowhere he kicked them open, like a cowboy, smacking people mulling about the pasta salad, and did he seal-like scream. He slowly backed through the doors again and went in line for more food. Trying to get him to talk was impossible, as he was totally non-communicative.
Posted: Mar 24, 2005 5:31 pm
Posted: Mar 24, 2005 6:41 pm
I honestly think this post and the comments attatched to it are proof enough that this woman should have been taken off feeding tubes years ago. If she were alive to see that she had become the brunt of a million bad jokes, and a public retard, she would be really angry that they had kept her on machines in a hospital for years. What a dishonarable way to die......
Posted: Mar 24, 2005 6:41 pm | Edited by: motorhoney
A couple of years back, I saw another fringe-tard that used to go to my high school. She was walking around Tower Records in a weird pink hootchie tube top and tight stretch pants with scuffed white 80's pumps. Who dressed her like that?? She was still the same, with thick bottlecap glasses that made her crossed eyes look more crossed and thick frizzy hair pulled up like Gene Simmons. I heard the dogs a howling! She's headed down the Edith Massey highway of class I tell ya. Eeegggman!!!!
Posted: Mar 24, 2005 7:03 pm
...still waiting on Rev. Dan's retard story.
Posted: Mar 24, 2005 7:08 pm
Yeah, what gives?
Posted: Mar 24, 2005 7:27 pm
Posted: Mar 25, 2005 3:07 am
Why does at least 50% of the dumb shit in this country come from Florida?
Posted: Mar 25, 2005 3:26 am
50% shit, 50% ARTURO!
Posted: Mar 25, 2005 6:24 am
RJ speaks the goddamn truth.
Posted: Mar 25, 2005 7:28 am
when we lived in louisiana, our school bus driver was this ex-navy guy we called popeye. he looked just like uncle charlie on my three sons, still dressed in his navy clothes (dungarees, sailor cap, and work shirt, with lotsa homemade tattoos). anyways, every morning, popeye would race to school, trying to avoid this one retarded kid at the bus stop. apparently, the kiddo had peed on the seat one day, and ever since, popeye would slam the door shut right in the kid's face, and then he'd race the kid's mother to the NEXT bus stop, where it would happen all over again if she got the kid out of her car in time. every school day, from sept-may, they'd race all the way to school, and only once or twice did the super-determined mom actually get her kid on the bus. popeye didn't come back the next year...
Posted: Mar 25, 2005 3:48 pm
Well didn't Ray Walston play Uncle Charlie? He was Poopdeck Pappy in the Popeye movie! PERFECT!
Posted: Mar 25, 2005 3:58 pm
Posted: Mar 25, 2005 7:00 pm
am I the only one eaglerly awaiting Shiavo's death so this will be all over?
Posted: Mar 25, 2005 7:00 pm | Edited by: heckles
well, besides her of course
Posted: Mar 25, 2005 7:05 pm
keep up with terris up to the minute status here:

Posted: Mar 25, 2005 8:05 pm
Posted: Mar 25, 2005 9:06 pm
... is FUCKED!!!
Posted: Mar 26, 2005 11:03 pm
Posted: Mar 26, 2005 11:46 pm
I wish someone would just blow her fucking head off so this stupid shit would just go away
Posted: Mar 27, 2005 6:15 am
Terri schiavo is a goner
Posted: Mar 27, 2005 11:44 am
íViva Dr. Kevorkian!
Posted: Mar 27, 2005 4:35 pm
I ate a bunch of mushrooms last night--and fell asleep with CNN on. At some point, I had a dream that someone hung Terri out of the hospital window with the feeding tube wrapped around her neck, and she was dangling in full view of the geeks camped out at the hospital.

Unfortunately, I woke up this morning to find out it must've just been a news induced dream-trip...

Then I got online & started checking the news--and I found this: http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-delay27mar27,0,5710023.story?coll=la-home-headl ines
which is almost as funny.
Posted: Mar 28, 2005 8:38 pm
Posted: Mar 28, 2005 8:58 pm
Posted: Mar 29, 2005 2:01 am
i quote monty python: ahem...
"Im not dead.... i think i'll go for a walk.....i feel happy...CLONK!!"

bring out yer dead.
Posted: Mar 29, 2005 2:06 am
In complex issues like these...we must always air on the side of a persistive vegitative state.
Posted: Mar 29, 2005 7:09 pm
Did she die yet?
Posted: Mar 29, 2005 7:18 pm
Know when it's safe to look at news sites again! Terry Schiavo Status Firefox Extension
Posted: Mar 29, 2005 8:31 pm
Posted: Mar 29, 2005 8:33 pm
Well, since his parent's are dead, his 6 year old boyfriend might be able to stop the tube fom going in. Too bad he couldn't do it the first time!
Posted: Mar 30, 2005 12:58 am
man, this is terrible

Posted: Mar 30, 2005 3:20 pm
Posted: Mar 31, 2005 2:55 pm
SHE'S DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted: Mar 31, 2005 3:13 pm
Posted: Mar 31, 2005 3:18 pm
Can they put the feeding tube back in now?
Posted: Mar 31, 2005 3:45 pm
can we now concentrate on pulling the pope's feeding tube?
Posted: Mar 31, 2005 3:51 pm
Can't wait for the 4 weeks of exclusive autopsy coverage. Nothing cooler than a liquified cerebral cortex splashing all over the camera lens.
Posted: Mar 31, 2005 4:11 pm
We are all a little more safe since she died. At least our constitution still means something. Fuckin' scary government!!
Posted: Mar 31, 2005 6:46 pm
It was GOD'S will that she died.
Posted: Mar 31, 2005 6:48 pm
just played "give me food" by MOTO in terry's honor.
Posted: Mar 31, 2005 10:29 pm
66 uses for terri schiavo
i think everybody gets a kick out of saying skee-ah-vo

Posted: Apr 11, 2005 11:41 pm
Mae Magouirk safe for now. See Tekgnosis for further details.

Tell the Media to report the REAL Schiavo polls!




My account, etc. of Terri Schindler's Funeral Mass:

Posted: Apr 11, 2005 11:46 pm
Bwahh ha ha haha. You best walk the line, bitch.
Posted: Apr 11, 2005 11:49 pm
Johnnie Cochran and Terri Schiavo arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same time. St. Peter comes out to meet 'em. Peter takes one look at Johnnie, and says "Well, hello there Brother Johnnie, come on in.", and opens the door. Johnnie saunters in, and Terri starts up behind him. Just as she gets close, Peter slams the gate in her face. Perturbed, Terri says, "Peter! How could you? I've been good my whole life, especially these past few years! How can you let that scum-sucking lawyer in, and not me?"
Peter just looks at her, and says, "'Cause he ain't retarded."
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