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Goner Message Board / ???? / JOKES!!!!
Posted: Mar 11, 2005 3:41 pm
 
about that time again:

How do you get a handkerchief to dance?
-
-
-
Just put a little boogie in it!
Posted: Mar 11, 2005 4:35 pm
 
knock knock.
who's there?
dwayne.
dwayne who?


Dwayne the bathtub, I'm dwowning!


HEEEEEEEE-HAWWWWW!
Posted: Mar 11, 2005 5:04 pm
 
Of course your joke would be cute!
Posted: Mar 11, 2005 5:18 pm
 
What's purple and sits on my porch?
Posted: Mar 11, 2005 5:19 pm
 
did you kidnap Grimace again?
Posted: Mar 11, 2005 5:19 pm
 
You're cute! can't wait to see you guys!
Posted: Mar 11, 2005 5:19 pm
 
oops that was for motorhoney...
Posted: Mar 11, 2005 5:20 pm
 
Wow, that eggplant joke is next level and shit.
Posted: Mar 11, 2005 5:20 pm
 
did you kidnap Grimace again?

I can't say... it'as a bad mean joke. I normally would say but I think I'm being hated on enough lately. Jeez, some whiskey sure would help. Records too.
Posted: Mar 11, 2005 5:21 pm
 
eggplant joke?
Posted: Mar 11, 2005 5:21 pm
 
a
Posted: Mar 11, 2005 5:21 pm
 
nevermind
Posted: Mar 11, 2005 5:22 pm
 
From Strangers with Candy, the "Meatman" is sitting at the dinner table with the Blank family, he tells this joke:

A man came walking in the butcher shop today. "Are you thinking of buying some meat?" I ask.
"No, I am going to buy some meat -I was thinking about POONTANG!"
Posted: Mar 11, 2005 5:22 pm
 
e-mail me this joke, joe

have you heard the "presumptuous" joke?
Posted: Mar 11, 2005 5:24 pm
 
sent.
Posted: Mar 11, 2005 5:31 pm
 
Posted: Mar 11, 2005 6:12 pm
 
Holy Diver's Interests
General Rocking out with my Ronnie James Dio records, and being a general sloppy bitch.
Music METAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Movies Dio tour dvd's... i NEVER watch anything that isnt totally focused on Ronnie James Dio.!!!! and neather should you...
Television THERES NO TIME FOR TELEVISHON WITH ALL THIS DIO I LISTEN TO...... GOD!!
Books lyrics to Dio songs...... ALWAYS Dio songs!!
Heroes Any lead singer of a band who went on to ROCK alone out of greed, lust, anger, and selfishness

HAHAHAHAHHA!
He's a general sloppy BITH!!
Posted: Mar 11, 2005 6:24 pm
 
Yeah, he gets to fuck that.
Posted: Mar 11, 2005 6:37 pm
 
"I don't have a girlfriend... Just somebody who'd get really pissed if she heard me say that"

"Dogs man... they're alway in the "push-up position"

...... Mitch Hedberg
Posted: Mar 12, 2005 1:48 am
 
your momma so poor, she went to the pet shop to buy a goldfish, they said she had to buy a COPPER fish. he.
Posted: Mar 12, 2005 7:43 am
 
Ike and Earl are rollin down the street in Earl's POS truck. They see a dog on the sidewalk lickin' it's balls.

(in thick memphus dialect)

Ike: Man, I shearer wisht i kewd dooo that!

Earl: Why Ike, that dawg woood biiite yooh!
Posted: Mar 12, 2005 7:45 am
 
Oh, and another classic or 2.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Bitch I done told you twice!

Why doesn't a woman need a watch?

There's a clock on the stove!


Thanks! I'll be here all week.
Posted: Mar 12, 2005 9:53 am
 
in 3rd grade my teacher mrs. zimmerman didn't think the "you put a little boogie in it!' joke was very funny. she was usually a really funny person. i thijnk she didn't like the joke because a jehovah's witness (like ja rule!) told the joke. she (the jehovah) got a checkmark after her name.

i thought it was pretty funny.
Posted: Mar 12, 2005 7:51 pm
 
(Hold both your arms, all the way out to your sides)
Q: What do you call this?
A: A shitty way to spend Easter.
Posted: Mar 12, 2005 8:33 pm
 
HOw do you get a Nun pregnate?

Dress her up as an alter-boy.
Posted: Mar 12, 2005 9:36 pm
 
guy walks in to a bar reads the sign, it say:

Roast Beef Sandwich $5
Turkey Sandwich $5
Cheese Sandwich $5
Hand Jobs $5

The guy asks the bartender "hey, you the one that gives the Hand Jobs?" She say, "well, yeah baby" Guy says "well than wash your goddamn hands and fix me a cheese sandwich!"
Posted: Mar 12, 2005 9:37 pm | Edited by: bvalentine
 
What do you call the hair between your grandmothers tits?

Her pussy!

What's the worst part about fucking your grandmother?

Getting your dick slammed in the coffin lid.
Posted: Mar 12, 2005 9:39 pm
 
A guy is at the doctor getting a prescription. The doctor takes out his pen... the man says "hey wait, I'm not here to get my temperature checked".... the doctor exclaim "oh shit, some asshole has my pen!"
Posted: Mar 12, 2005 9:48 pm
 
Why does Michael Jackson like thirty eight year olds?
Because there's thirty of them.
Posted: Mar 12, 2005 9:50 pm
 
What happens when an African/American Dies?
Posted: Mar 12, 2005 9:51 pm
 
Niggermortis
Posted: Mar 13, 2005 11:30 pm
 
how do ye find grandpa in the dark?

its not hard.

Q.What has 78 teeth and 147 legs?
A. the front row of a Brooks and Dunn concert.
Posted: Mar 14, 2005 3:38 am
 
heres a MJ joke i just made up..
Q. why does MJ like little boys?
A. Taste like chicken!
Posted: Mar 15, 2005 8:55 am
 
what's white and red all over with poor delivery?

no not the times pic, neil hamburger you mother fuckers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and he's comin to town hee hee ha ha aghh urghh cough! cough!

yuck yuck yuck
Posted: Mar 15, 2005 5:53 pm
 
WHEN???? When the fuck is N Hamburger coming? I must go!
Posted: Mar 15, 2005 5:58 pm
 
I can't fucking wait!
Wed Mar 30 NEW ORLEANS, LA - One Eyed Jack's
http://neilhamburger.tvheaven.com/custom2.html
Posted: Mar 15, 2005 7:09 pm
 
there's a couch with your name on it, unless you gonna sleep on the streets of phat city
Posted: Mar 15, 2005 8:35 pm
 
an old grandfather was giving his grandson a life leason one day: "you kids have it so easy these days, why when i was young i was walking through the woods one day and saw a grizzly bear and i shit my pants!"
"wow, grandpa, that's amazing, i think i'd shit my pants to if i saw a grizzly."
grandpa responds, "not then you idiot, just NOW!"
Posted: Mar 15, 2005 9:11 pm
 
My ex-wife never wanted to have sex. I remember one Friday after work I decided to stop and get her flowers on my way home. I came in and said "hey honey, these are for you" She then said "oh, I guess now you expect me to spend all weekend on my back with my feet in the air, right?" I said, "no, there's a vase under the sink".
Posted: Mar 15, 2005 9:13 pm
 
Your couch wouldnt happen to have a vagina would it?
Posted: Mar 15, 2005 9:26 pm
 
A child molester and a small boy are walkin' through the woods at night.

The lil' boy starts to hold on tighter and tighter to the man's hand as they go deeper in the woods.

The scared boy looks up and says in a shakin' voice, "Boy, these woods sure are scary, Mister"

The molester says, "Yer tellin' me kid. I've gotta walk home alone in this shit"....


So there's this man and girl fucking like wild rabbits. He's laying it down hard and almost in a porn fashion. He's banging away and the sex was going amazingly well. He then throws it in the girl's ass and when he's finished, he rolls over and has a cigarette.

This girl is just sitting there staring at him with this look of disgust and shock. He asks "Why you looking at me like that for?"

SHe replies "Where do you get the audacity to fuck me in my ass??"

The man looks all shocked and gets pissed off. He then replies, "Where do you get off using a word like audacity?! You're only 12!"
Posted: Mar 16, 2005 4:40 am
 
what kind of movies do pirates see?

A; PG-13 ,G, and PG No R (arrrrrrr)
Posted: Mar 16, 2005 4:54 am
 
Speaking of Pirates....
A pirate walks into a bar and sits next to a drunk. The drunk looks him over a few times and says "Wha thefuck happen to you?"
The Pirate says, "Arrr, Whatcha mean?"
The drunk looks the pirate over again and says, "Imean lookatchyou, you got that wooden leg, there"
The Pirate says, "Arrrrr, I lost it to the sharks."
"And th'hook there, on your arm..."
"Arrrr, I lost me hand in a battle at sea."
"And the patch over youreye, there..."
"Arrrr, well, a bird shit in it."
The drunk thinks it over another whiskey, then says, "W-w-waitaminute. Your tellin' me you lost your eye to some the bird shit?"
The pirate looks down and says, "It be the day after I got the hook...."
Posted: Mar 16, 2005 5:01 am
 
Three cowboys are telling tall tales around the campfire. The first one
says, "I'm the toughest sonsabitch here. I was ridin' hard along the
prarie, and my horse got spooked and threw me into a pit of 800
rattlesnakes. I killed every one of 'em and made a fortune in cowboy
boots."
The second barks "Well, that shit ain't nothin! I came upon a Kodiak bear
one time and fought him bare handed. After I beat him, the bear showed
me where the gold were."
The third cowboy just sat quietly, stirring the coals of the fire with his
dick....
Posted: Mar 16, 2005 5:06 am
 
Q: What did the snail say, riding on the turtle's back?

A: "WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"
Posted: Mar 17, 2005 2:55 am
 
Q: What does a stripper do with her asshole before she goes to work?

A: Drops him off at band practice.
Posted: Mar 17, 2005 3:45 am
 
a pirate walks into a bar- and has one of those big wooden pirate ship steering wheels stuffed down the front of his pants. so, the bartender asks "hey, what's with the big wooden pirate ship steering wheel stuffed down the front of your pants?"

the pirate says "aaaarrrr... I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts"

Q:why do truckers have their names stamped on the back of their belts?"
A:so hippies know who they're fuckin'
Posted: Mar 17, 2005 3:47 am
 
Why do truckers hate test-tube babies?
They ain't Peterbilt.
Posted: Mar 18, 2005 3:07 am
 
Q:why do truckers have their names stamped on the back of their belts?"
A:so hippies know who they're fuckin'


I never understood that one... If you're fucking a guy in the ass, I assume he'd have his trousers down... How the fuck can you read his name on the belt?
Posted: Mar 18, 2005 5:04 am
 
whats the differance between a hippie and pumpkin?
pumpkins dont scream when ya carve em.
Posted: Mar 18, 2005 6:38 am
 
What's orange and looks good on a hippie?
Fire!
Posted: Mar 21, 2005 4:22 pm
 
Yo mama got one titty, they gave the bitch a part time job at Hooters
Posted: May 13, 2005 9:18 pm | Edited by: SwizzleStick
 
A lady walks into a butcher shop and says, "I'd like a pound of kidilies, please."
Butcher says, "Excuse me?"
She says, "I'd like a pound of kidilies, please."
Butcher says, "Don't you mean kidneys?"
She replies, "I said kidilies, didil I?"
Posted: May 13, 2005 11:50 pm
 
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.


Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle.
Posted: May 14, 2005 12:07 am
 
what do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?



--------------------homeless!!!!!!
Posted: May 14, 2005 12:52 am
 
what do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
the singer.

what were dimebag darrels last words?
can we get a round of shots for the band?

what did god get for christmas?
johnny carson.
Posted: May 14, 2005 6:04 pm
 
Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?

If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
Posted: May 14, 2005 6:29 pm
 
How many ADD kids does it take to change a light bulb?










Wanna ride my bike?
Posted: May 14, 2005 11:49 pm
 
whats got seven arms and sucks?
def lepard.
Posted: May 15, 2005 12:04 am
 
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

Man: It hurts when I move my arm like this.

Doctor: That probably has something to do with the fact that I'm fucking your mother.
Posted: May 15, 2005 12:05 am
 
Best Neil Hamburger joke from the other night:

Q. What's the difference between Courtney Love and the American flag?

A. It would be wrong to take a shit on the American flag.
Posted: May 15, 2005 11:02 pm
 
what has nine arms and sucks?


def leppard
Posted: May 15, 2005 11:19 pm
 
Where's Honolulu?

Hawaii..

im fine Howa you? get it?
Posted: May 15, 2005 11:20 pm
 
whatya call 4 dudes tryin ta get inta the BlackOut?

A. Fucked.
Posted: May 16, 2005 6:04 am
 
A Swedish lady walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Anheuser Busch?"

the Swedish lady says "Fine, and how's your pecker".

(You really need that ol' cliche "Swedish accent" for this one...)
Posted: May 16, 2005 11:38 am
 
What has five arms and eats pussy?







The Indigo girls and that guy from Def Leppard
Posted: May 16, 2005 1:21 pm
 
what's the only difference between acne and michael jackson?

at least acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.
Posted: Oct 12, 2005 8:42 pm
 
A man walks in to a pharmacy and say "yeah, I need a box of condoms for my 11 yr old daughter" The pharmacist say "you mean to tell me that your daughter is sexual active at 11 yrs old". The man replies "no, she just lays there like her mother".
Posted: Oct 12, 2005 9:11 pm
 
Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
Because they have blond boyfriends
Posted: Oct 13, 2005 11:06 pm
 
If carrots got you drunk...Rabbits would be fucked up. M. Hedberg
Posted: Oct 13, 2005 11:24 pm
 
You guys are funny. I only know a few (very clean & dumb, kid) jokes.

What's Irish and sits on the backporch?
Patty O'Furniture.

How do you find Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?
He's the one with the sesame seed buns.

Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
Posted: Oct 13, 2005 11:41 pm
 
A man stumbles out of a bar on his way home and for some reason, picks up a chicken and carries it home with him. As he drunkenly tries to unlock the door, his wife opens it for him.
"See the pig I've been fucking?" he says.
His wife says to him, "Honey, that's a chicken."
He replies, "I wasn't talking to you."
Posted: Oct 14, 2005 1:20 am
 
What do you call a man's hand around a little boy's penis?

The Jackson Five

-Neil Hamburger
Posted: Oct 14, 2005 1:29 am
 
How many WASP's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? ONE.
Posted: Oct 14, 2005 9:37 am
 
youre just like school on christmas, NO CLASS..
-Russel from Fat Albert. The Cartoon Fat Albert that is.
Posted: Oct 14, 2005 12:15 pm
 
"Do you always shower after you had sex?"
"Yes I do"
"Then I suggest you have more sex"
Posted: Oct 14, 2005 3:06 pm
 
Why did God put the woman's asshole so close to her pussy?



So you can carry 'em around like a six pack.
Posted: Oct 14, 2005 5:12 pm
 
A priest and a rabbi are hanging out. The priest says "Let's go screw some little boys." The rabbi says "Out of what?"
Posted: Oct 14, 2005 5:54 pm
 
Further proof that Bush doesn't care about black people:

When asked how he felt about Roe vs. Wade, Bush said:

"I don't care HOW they get out of New Orleans!"
Posted: Oct 14, 2005 6:00 pm
 
what's the worst part about having sex with a nine yr old?

hearing her pelvic-bone crack.
Posted: Oct 14, 2005 6:01 pm
 
is that the worst..or the best...??

there's just a plate in my head....!?!?!?!?!
Posted: Oct 14, 2005 6:04 pm
 
What's the best part about getting a handjob from an 8 yr old?
Makes your dick look bigger!
Posted: Oct 14, 2005 7:57 pm
 
what are windsheild wipers called on a GEO Metro..?

A. The Driver
Posted: Oct 15, 2005 6:52 am
 
Here's an old one that Matt told me a long time ago.

What's black and brown and looks good on a nigger?

A doberman pinscher.



Buy my perfume!
Posted: Oct 15, 2005 6:53 am | Edited by: Sarah Jessica Porker
 
Oink -- I meant to say a Knee Grow.



Buy my perfume!
Posted: Oct 17, 2005 8:42 am
 
What's got 500 titties and a cherry?


















250 strippers and a Tom Collins.
Posted: Oct 17, 2005 2:22 pm
 
Q: What did the guy who used a 78-GMT mic on a Plexus-9 uni-board mono-mix say after he realized his engineer was using the wrong drum isolation booth to e.q. the high end?

A.: If I wanted 688.90 frequency response using non-Dolby 16-track effects mixers, I would have used a T-15 Sony Pre-amp unit!

LOL!
Posted: Oct 17, 2005 2:39 pm
 
WARNING!!IF MR USELESSEATER EVER GIVES YOU PAPER BAG, DO NOT OPEN!! ITS A JOKE!
Posted: Oct 17, 2005 2:45 pm
 
[i]Q: What did the guy who used a 78-GMT mic on a Plexus-9 uni-board mono-mix say after he realized his engineer was using the wrong drum isolation booth to e.q. the high end?

A.: If I wanted 688.90 frequency response using non-Dolby 16-track effects mixers, I would have used a T-15 Sony Pre-amp unit!

LOL![

Jack Stands!?....IS that YOU!!!
Posted: Oct 17, 2005 3:16 pm
 
Nope. Hillarious, though.
Posted: Oct 17, 2005 4:29 pm
 
Swedish Chemist Shop Joke: to be done in swedish accent:

Man: I would like to buy a deoderant please
Chemist: Ball, or aerosol?
Man: neither, I want it for my armpits
Posted: Sep 6, 2008 8:07 pm
 
did you hear about the pollock who won a gold medal at the olympics?

he had it bronzed.
Posted: Sep 6, 2008 9:15 pm
 
What do you call a fake turd?

Shampoo.
Posted: Sep 7, 2008 3:11 pm
 
Q: What did the guy who used a 78-GMT mic on a Plexus-9 uni-board mono-mix say after he realized his engineer was using the wrong drum isolation booth to e.q. the high end?

A.: If I wanted 688.90 frequency response using non-Dolby 16-track effects mixers, I would have used a T-15 Sony Pre-amp unit!

Haha, that is great!

Q:What did the duck say when it bought a tube of lipstick?
A:Put it on my bill!
Q:What do ducks do when they fly upside down?
A: They Quack Up!
Q:What did the lady on the beach say to M Jackson?
A: Get out of my son!
Posted: Sep 7, 2008 5:07 pm
 
To be told after a black, white, red all over joke.
What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?
The Cub Scout in my basement.
Posted: Sep 7, 2008 6:44 pm
 
I still wanna know what's purple and sits on Joe's porch.

A girl is marrying a Greek and as they're leaving for they're honeymoon the girls mom whispers "be careful dear, I hear those Greeks like to do it in the other hole." "Oh, no mama! He says that could cause pregnancy!"
Posted: Sep 7, 2008 11:38 pm
 
What's the best thing about a blowjob?
Five minutes of peace and quiet.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that thing?


What does a woman say after her third orgasm?

You mean you don't know?


Why does a woman have two sets of lips?

So she can piss and moan at the same time.

-Ryan
Posted: Sep 8, 2008 12:25 am
 
This woman with 15 children walks into a welfare office to put in a claim for welfare.

The clerk at the agency asks, "What are the names of your children?"

She answers, "They're all named LeRoy."

The clerks is taken back. "How do you communicate with them?" he asks.

She replies, "It's great! I say 'LeRoy, shut up!' & they all shut up! I yell 'LeRoy, dinnertime' & they all come running."

The clerks says, "Yeah, but what do you say when you want to talk to one individually?"

She answers, "Oh, I call them by their last name!"
Posted: Sep 8, 2008 3:15 am
 
whats the difference between jelly & jam?

i can't jelly my cock down your throat.
Posted: Sep 8, 2008 1:15 pm
 
What's the difference between a pit bull and a hypocritical Alaskan governor?

Lipstick!
Posted: Sep 9, 2008 1:47 am
 
Classic Tommy Cooper:

"I rang the gym the other day, cos I wanted to get fit."

"The fella said, 'Are you flexible?'"

"I said, 'I can't do Tuesdays or Thursdays."
Posted: Apr 4, 2012 12:20 am
 
How can you tell the difference between purple and violet?
People don't turn violet when you choke them.
Posted: Apr 4, 2012 12:48 am
 
I heard it as..

What's the difference between pink and purple?

The Grip...
Posted: Apr 4, 2012 8:13 am | Edited by: tigerblinds
 
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?


Nothing you haven't already told her twice.
Posted: Apr 10, 2012 5:05 pm
 
What Is jerry sandusky getting for christmas?
New shower curtains.
Posted: Apr 10, 2012 5:53 pm
 
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed after having sex.
Chicken says to the egg, "Well I guess that answers THAT question."
Posted: Apr 18, 2012 5:25 pm
 
Dinosaurs ruled the earth...Then there was Chuck Norris.

When Christ was a child he read stories about the birth of Chuck.
Posted: Apr 18, 2012 10:01 pm
 

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed after having sex.
Chicken says to the egg, "Well I guess that answers THAT question."



i've told this twice this week to much delight from the recipients.
Posted: Apr 27, 2012 3:02 pm
 
How many bass players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


Just one, but the guitarist has to show him what to do.
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