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Goner Message Board / ???? / Does anybody on here watch football?
Posted: Oct 4, 2010 4:04 pm
Please don't start with the snarky comments about "sports are the devil". I've always HATED football (but love my college bball and tennis) and suddenly find myself in the position of having a honey who is football insane. And, I'm talking insane.

I mean, I love the Saints because of NOLA, but I need some tips on how to actually enjoy it, and not look like a total idiot watching it. Or sound like a dick. My brothers played, so I kind of know what the general gist of it is.

I thought about taking up knitting, but I don't think that's the answer.
Posted: Oct 4, 2010 4:12 pm
I love football but I grew up in Detroit. Watching the Lions is more disturbing than midget porn.
Posted: Oct 4, 2010 4:21 pm
Ewwww! See, that's kind of some of the problem. It all looks so pornographic to me. All those "huddles" and falling down on each other and those tight pants make those guys look like fairies. And, what's with the dreads? Seems like every team has the obligatory guy with dreads.

And, I can appreciated when a nice pass is made, and they get a lot of yards and stuff, but I'm having a hard time not rooting for BOTH teams playing when they do that. Apparently, that's just not done.
Posted: Oct 4, 2010 4:57 pm
unapologetically so.
Posted: Oct 4, 2010 5:20 pm
I'm about to go watch my 4th grader play football.
Posted: Oct 4, 2010 5:24 pm
I love football. Too much.

You need tips on how to enjoy it? I'm not sure what kinda advice you're looking for. I'll try:

-You need a team to love. Looks like you picked the Saints.
- You need a handful of teams to hate, but you gotta really hate them bad. This is very important for liking sports. You gotta hate the fuck out of the other teams. I'm a Miami Dolphin fan, so I hate the teams in their division: jets, Patriots, and the Bills. I also hate the 49ers because they beat the Dolphins in the Super Bowl when I was 8 years old. I hate the Cowboys and the Steelers because of all of their front-running asshole fans. Since you picked the Saints, you now hate the Falcons, Panthers, and Buccaneers. You also hate the 49ers because they used to stomp the Saints repeatedly when they were in the same division years ago. You also hate the Bears and the Cowboys.
- Third downs are really important, whether your team is on offense or defense. You're supposed to get really excited on 3rd down.
-When someone fumbles the ball, you're supposed to yell "FUMBLE!!" really loud. That's fun to do.
-When the team plays poorly on offense, you can yell at the offensive coordinator thru your teevee. He's the guy who decides if the team throws or runs. The Saints offensive coodinator is also their head coach, Sean Payton.
-Drink lots of beer.
Posted: Oct 4, 2010 6:31 pm
My girlfriend hates football (so she says), but even she got interested late last December when there was a night game between the Bears and Vikings. Since Brett Favre and Jay Cutler are two of the best passers in the NFL, the game was super-entertaining.

So my advice would be to look for games with lots of passes and great quarterbacks - they're the most entertaining. The low-scoring defensive games will probably be less interesting unless you REALLY become a fan...
Posted: Oct 4, 2010 7:03 pm
Whenever a team makes a first down, boom out with

if a penalty flag is thrown, scream

make fun of Hank Jr.'s Monday Night theme song, 'cause he's a fuckin' idiot anyway.
Posted: Oct 4, 2010 7:06 pm
its impossible to live where i do and not follow football. i found that playing the video game version improved my knowledge of the game when i was younger, not sure if that would work for you or not...
Posted: Oct 4, 2010 7:57 pm
Line play. Must appreciate the trenches, the dirty work, where the game is won or lost.
Posted: Oct 4, 2010 8:06 pm
Line play. Must appreciate the trenches, the dirty work, where the game is won or lost.

Must also appreciate when the Redskins beat the Cowboys.

Must also appreciate dirty, underhanded tricks (like when the Texans called a time out just as the Redskins were in the middle of kicking the game winning field goal that was good in OT - it was dirty and underhanded, but legal), then feel your heart wrenched out (when the time out was over, the Redskins got to do the kick again and missed by a mile; the Texans marched it down the field and scored a field goal - I want to say we were out of Time Outs, but we may have just not made the same underhanded, dirty trick play).
Posted: Oct 4, 2010 9:03 pm
i found that playing the video game version improved my knowledge of the game when i was younger

i was educated on football by watching the video of your 70s magnetic game set.
Posted: Oct 4, 2010 9:25 pm
Must pick a team to love and learn to whine about anything and everything when they lose. For instance: Dallas would have won if holding was legal for rookie tackles. Washington would have won if field goals were 1 point.
Posted: Oct 4, 2010 9:36 pm
I'm kind of in Alisa's boat. I live in a huge football loving fanily and I'm just kind of 'ehh. I'll watch the playoffs and the Super Bowl. I'll kick your ass in Madden. Other than that I'm a basketball, and as of this year, a "real" football fan. As in soccer.

I don't even try to fake it anymore. When eveyone gathers around to watch footballl, i just read a book.
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 6:10 am
Okay, well, I'm on the right track as I already hate the Cowboys.

Man, all this is great, thanks guys! This is exactly what I needed to know!
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 7:01 am

i also like watching the trenches but even more specifically

the right offensive tackle (keeper of the QB's blind side) and the play against the DE. often you'll get a tight end or full back thrown into this mini scrum of speed and power and that's where offensive strategy begins

Posted: Oct 5, 2010 7:08 am
it also helps to know that the son of this singer was the star of last night's MNF contest

Posted: Oct 5, 2010 9:43 am
the right offensive tackle (keeper of the QB's blind side)

Left Tackle protects the blindside...unless QB is a lefty. Alisa, don't worry about trying to appreciate the play of the fat boys on the line pushing against one another just yet. You're still at Football 101, and that's more advanced than you're ready for.

Stick to the little things this season and don't get overwhelmed. FUMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 9:44 am
right offensive tackle (keeper of the QB's blind side)

For lefty QBs, maybe.
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 9:45 am
I'm a basketball

you sure are.
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 9:51 am

I KNOW that

battling a severe case of xxxxx fever. bedridden for 4 daze

fat boys' pushing is more complicated than understanding a passing offense?

limited opinion of alisa's IQ
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 9:56 am
limited opinion of alisa's IQ

Cmon now, just cause you don't know your left from your right doesn't mean you gotta take cheap shots at me.

Its not more complicated, rather, there's some stuff that a layman must learn before being able to appreciate a pulling guard.
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 10:05 am | Edited by: michael baker
stuff that a layman must learn before being able

granted but yelling at tv isn't learning either, although watching the D's second half i imagine yelling was last act of a desperate man. or the first act of henry IV

i was asking her to iso on one simple element: 2 talented guys-- kill QB vs protect franchise

almost like start wars.
no pulling, or jerking, or fading was mentioned
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 10:06 am
This thread is great.
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 10:07 am
ust cause you don't know your left from your right

and i do, speaking of cheap shots

real real sick
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 10:21 am | Edited by: tigerblinds
See, that's kind of some of the problem. It all looks so pornographic to me.

Yes exactly...it's all about letting your honey jack you off under an electric blanket while your boys are slowly working that ball down the field...or they connect a twenty yard pass and you jizz all over your painted chest or jersey.

Or better yet...your honey will blow you under the electric blanket, the people in the seats behind you are giving you high fives...and you're painted with jizz all over your chest...

yes very pornographic indeed.
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 10:24 am
If you're lucky your honey will stick ketchup and mustard on yr dick in a hotdog bun...or give you a hand job with a warm soft unsalted pretzel.
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 10:25 am
This is what football is all about...winter time sex in public...poorly concealed.
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 10:26 am
It's not fall untill I've put my dick in a warm doughy unsalted pretzel at a highschool football game.
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 10:29 am | Edited by: rayultine
fat boys
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 10:43 am
she's a veggie but thanks louisville

go browns!!
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 10:46 am


Posted: Oct 5, 2010 10:55 am | Edited by: tigerblinds
slather warm nacho cheese all over your balls like a dominatrix pooring hot wax on her gimp and wipe them on your honey's cheek and then lick it all off...underneath the fleece electric blanket.
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 10:57 am
Get chocolate ice cream in a sugar cone and bite the end off and let it drip all over your honey's pussy, and take a hunk of icecream in your fingers and shove them in her mouth and then lick all of the sweet diary out of your honey's pussy.
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 10:58 am
Yeah, it's football season! Monday nights is no longer guy's night....it's fucking public sex display night....Hank Jr. concurs.
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 10:59 am
High Michael, why you want to be gettin personal and shit?
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 11:00 am
we're talking about football porn....football has replaced baseball as America's number one past time you know?
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 11:04 am
alot of those sacs in all that old footage look like yellow flags to me...can we get some post 90's clips?
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 11:20 am
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 11:22 am
whatever you do, don't become a browns fan. or any kind of cleveland sports fan.

it's been 46 years since the last cleveland sports championship. we hold the current record for most combined seasons without a championship in cities with at least 3 of the 4 major sports franchises (mlb, nfl, nba, nhl). and lebron likes to go on national TV to kick us in the nuts.

remember that next time you hear whining from boston, chicago, new york, etc fans about their teams.
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 11:30 am
Alisa - come ask the 4th grader at our house about football, or any other sport. He has a way of making me not want to claw my eyes out at the thought of watching sports.

Like last night he was talking about "running up the gut with a QB sneak" or some such and I actually wanted to know what that meant. Then he gets all excited showing off his bruises after each game. Basically - find a kid who is interested and have them explain it. It's way easier than listening to an adult blather on and on.
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 1:12 pm
My favorite thing is slowly working a corn dog up into my honey's butthole after I've lubed it with pizza grease.
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 1:39 pm
jesus dude, get a life (a life that doesn't involve David Lee Roth).

i agree, kids have that enthusiasm that makes suffering thru 1 hour worth of TV commercials for every 4 quarters of football less annoying. but don't let those kidz watch the commercials -- send 'em for beer 'n snacks.

if you do let them watch the commercials, you'll have to answer a lot of questions about "ED", and I don't mean Ed Oblivian.

"E.D." means NFL
Posted: Oct 5, 2010 2:53 pm
Probably all the ED commercials stem from having to watch the ultimate boner deflator: terry bradshaw
Posted: Oct 6, 2010 12:29 pm | Edited by: tigerblinds
I don't care fuck you...I get busy in public anywhere...a football game, a basketball game...in NYC it's fucking screwin time at the Guggenheim (to quote a good song).

I aint no never-nude.
Posted: Oct 6, 2010 12:30 pm
Football is pornographic I was just elaborating on what the lady is sayin.
Posted: Oct 6, 2010 12:32 pm
I once rubbed donut glaze all over my dick and let the Georgetown Hoya lick it off...fuck Georgetown.
Posted: Oct 6, 2010 12:33 pm
....and by Hoya I mean the bulldog...not a cheerleader or anything.
Posted: Oct 7, 2010 9:46 am
Good lord, tigerblinds! Not exactly the info I needed but, uh, food for thought nonetheless.

Stick to the little things this season and don't get overwhelmed.
That's pretty much what I'm interested in. Yeah, I'm not quite up to paying attention to the fat boys yet. I have a hard enough time just figuring out where the ball is!

I got those down. Thanks, guys.
Posted: Oct 7, 2010 9:57 am
Best part of football season is fisting your honey with a nerf football they through up into the crowd at half-time!
Posted: Oct 7, 2010 1:00 pm
they through up into the crowd at half-time!

dude, that's only COLLEGE football. NFL is all about THE MEN.
we drink beer, not schnapps.
Posted: Oct 7, 2010 1:21 pm
college lacrosse is fun too

go duke!
Posted: Oct 7, 2010 1:21 pm
Not sure if there is a polite way to ask this. Tigerblinds, are you a fucking retard?
Posted: Oct 7, 2010 1:22 pm
Don't forget the coolest referee signal in all of football...

Posted: Oct 7, 2010 2:21 pm
go duke!

about that's not the only thing gone viral.
Posted: Oct 7, 2010 2:45 pm
dude, that's only COLLEGE football. NFL is all about THE MEN.
we drink beer, not schnapps.

Way to go...you're not a closet case.
Posted: Oct 7, 2010 2:57 pm
make fun of Hank Jr.'s Monday Night theme song, 'cause he's a fuckin' idiot anyway.

wait a minute.....
Posted: Oct 7, 2010 3:18 pm
It all looks so pornographic to me. All those "huddles"

The only pornographic huddle worth watching is in the movie H.O.T.S. - one of the most miraculous moments in cinema history.
Posted: Oct 7, 2010 4:15 pm
you're not a closet case.

bend over and I'll wipe my hands on your towel, big boy.
Posted: Oct 7, 2010 6:46 pm
I don't give a shit about football, but I used to watch the Browns play every Sunday with John Slak in Columbus, OH (not a Browns friendly town). I got really good at yelling "Special teams are gonna win it!!!" Try that.
Posted: Oct 7, 2010 7:21 pm
big boy.

How did you know my nickname?
Posted: Oct 7, 2010 7:25 pm
Also I don't advise you touch my towel unless you want my rash....unless you're a size A - DDD you wouldn't enjoy it.
Posted: Oct 7, 2010 7:26 pm
Oh yeah, you're probably a big fat guy with man tits...never mind that last post.
Posted: Oct 7, 2010 7:27 pm
seriously though...it's okay to be gay...I already regret starting this . It's only going to end in hurt feelings and you selling your ass on the strip....probably I'm just speculating.
Posted: Oct 7, 2010 7:30 pm
Can I just say I prefer college football and special teams are the most fun to watch...but a double edged sword no doubt...
Posted: Oct 7, 2010 7:35 pm | Edited by: tigerblinds
It's okay to be fat too...I probably shouldn't have opened this can of worms....it's okay to be big fat gay and totally in to football....they're called gay bears.

Just like Chicago's football team.
Posted: Oct 7, 2010 7:39 pm | Edited by: tigerblinds
we're gonna watch gay bears, drink gay brews.

who's gayer than gay bears, gay colts!

damn it's cold i got to wear my gay thermal underwear.
Posted: Oct 8, 2010 6:58 am
anybody remember that football show on hbo in the 80's where delta burke was the owner?

back when she was kind of hot?
Posted: Oct 8, 2010 7:22 am
anybody remember that football show on hbo in the 80's where delta burke was the owner?

other than his murder romp and his heisman win OJ's finest hour

1st and ten

Posted: Oct 8, 2010 8:58 am
I'm sorry for these posts I guess...I'm a big gay bear! When they play YMCA it's like they're playing it just for me.
Posted: Oct 8, 2010 12:05 pm
I'm sorry for these posts I guess.

you're babbling.

check this out: http://www.youtube.com/user/itgetsbetterproject

it's not OK to hate on bears because they're gay. It is OK to hate on Bears 'cause they're a lousy team that plays in the No Fun League.
Posted: Oct 8, 2010 12:18 pm | Edited by: tigerblinds
No some of my best friends are big gay bears...it's important to be sensitive to their plight.

Posted: Oct 8, 2010 12:28 pm
Posted: Oct 8, 2010 12:44 pm

I was trying to keep all you NFL guys from becoming the next Broke Back Mountain crew...to late, I don't know why I try.
Posted: Oct 8, 2010 1:52 pm
Did Chris Alienator learn to spell or something?
Posted: Oct 8, 2010 2:43 pm
I just want to know where he went for so long.
Posted: Oct 8, 2010 6:31 pm
apparently chicago
Posted: Oct 11, 2010 7:59 am | Edited by: tigerblinds
Yes I learned how to use spell check...I've been deep underground...I like the NFL but I can't resist instigating animosity and fist fights with all of NFL fandom...they love it and I love it. punks vs. jocks dudes.
Posted: Oct 11, 2010 8:34 am
re: football, I would strongly encourage being a "fair weather fan" as it makes the agony of a crushing defeat a little easier to swallow. if your team isn't good, just write them off and root for someone else, or better yet, go do something else on sundays.
Posted: Oct 11, 2010 10:46 am
WR, I'm all for doing something else on Sundays...but that's not gonna happen. I do spend a lot of time in the kitchen cooking...that's kind of fun.

Yesterday...well, I can't even remember the games, but I think my teams won. Except I think the Saints lost, but they were on in another room.

Hey, and about these "special teams"...I thought y'all were just kidding and they were something like Special Ed. Seems like there are REALLY something called special teams! Seems like they're pinch-hitters or something?

Saw a lot of LAUNDRY!! yesterday. FUMBLE!!!!!
Posted: Oct 11, 2010 11:14 am | Edited by: tigerblinds
Saw a lot of LAUNDRY!! yesterday. FUMBLE!!!!!

I had the best of intentions with laundry yesterday.

Skins beat GB.

Colts beat Kansas...

If I didn't like hot wings so much I wouldn't know shit about NFL.
Posted: Oct 11, 2010 1:45 pm
it makes the agony of a crushing defeat a little easier to swallow

When "my" team loses, I just put some music on. Gotta keep those priorities straight.

Also, have more than one favorite team - I have four. Usually at least one of them wins.
Posted: Oct 11, 2010 2:58 pm
I can't stand the NFL...
Not because I don't like watching grown men playing a kid's game; I'm always down for watching genetic throw-backs injuring each other, but because THEY TAKE THEMSELVES SO SERIOUSLY when they do it.

There's more refs on the damn field than players, and every great play always has a stupid call on it that not only interrupts the game play, but totally negates the point of even trying.

I used to play Highschool football on the line, and it was only when I discovered Sumo Wrestling that I realized all that crap with a "ball" was just an excuse to get the little kids to play "keep-away" while the big boys knock the snot out of each other on the gridiron.
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