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Goner Message Board / ???? / The old stoner dude finally cornered me
Posted: Jan 16, 2009 10:11 am
So, I've got this terrible toothache, right? There's a hole in my tooth up and inside, it feels like one could pass a moon through it, or at least a baseball. But, I was thinking about that hole a few days ago: it probably just feels really big against my tongue...it's probably tiny, like Elton John's Tiny Dancer.
So anyway, it got cold outside yesterday and my only jacket is the one Tate Moore gave me so I could wear it to his wedding and it's a bit lightweight. I was just walking up the street towards Square Books and that old stoner dude that I've seen around town for years but have never gotten cornered by was coming right at me, headed toward chicken-on-a-stick. We met on the sidewalk and he looked at me aghast and said,
"Dude! What a sorry piece of a shit excuse for a jacket that is you're wearing!"
"Oh, it's cool, man," I said, "I'm just going up here to Square Books and---"
"No, Dude, NO!" He grabbed me by the arm and I felt fear. "Here, you’ve got to take my coat!"
He let go of me and started stripping off what was a warm-looking jacket.
"No, I can't, man--"
"Quiet, Dude!" he said, flat-lining his hand. "You've got to take my coat so you don't get cold!"
With that, he had the coat off and threw it on the sidewalk in front of me, right there on Lamar Avenue, and stomped off towards chicken-on-a-stick.
As I mentioned, the coat was warm-looking and the old stoner dude was struck out for chicken-on-a-stick, so I adorned myself with it and continued towards Square Books.
Upstairs at the coffee bar, I was even happier when I saw that that cool and cute chick who works there was on the clock.
She was pouring my Columbian when she said, "Cool jacket. Looks warm."
"It is," I said, ecstatic that she would make conversation with me. I stuck my hands in the pockets, and felt what felt to be a bb or pebble. I pulled it out and inspected and it was a marijuana seed.
I always put the seed in my mouth and crush it because...well, you just never know, you know?
I popped the seed in and it almost instantly disappeared into the hole in my tooth, stuck. My eyes grew wide with pain and I felt as if I were about to flail.
The cute chick looked alarmed.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked.
"I've got a pot seed stuck in a hole in my tooth! Oh, fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"
"Here!" she said, thrusting my Columbian towards me.
I sucked hard on the tooth from the other side, but the seed held steadfast. I took the coffee and sucked it through my teeth and then I had two kinds of pain competing in my mouth. But, the seed popped out and I had instant relief of some tooth pain. Unfortunately, my mouth and gums were singed, so I grabbed the little cream pitcher and drank it empty.
The cute chick looked like she was going to throw up.
"Sorry," I said, rubbing my gums with my finger. "I found this pot seed in my right pocket and I always crush them in my mouth because who knows, right? And I've got this big hole in my tooth, and, well, as you saw, the seed got stuck in the hole."
She laughed the laugh of someone who wanted me to leave so she could really laugh. But, she topped off my coffee as I cleaned up the mess I had made and we talked small talk.
It was time for me to slink away, and we said goodbye just before she made me fall in love with her: I was walking down the staircase when she looked down over the rail and asked, "Did you check to see what was in the other pocket?"
Posted: Jan 16, 2009 12:44 pm
If I could give you a Pulitzer prize I would.
Posted: Jan 16, 2009 1:21 pm
please don't encourage him
Posted: Jan 16, 2009 1:44 pm
$75 and get it pulled
$10 if you're south of the border
Posted: Jan 16, 2009 7:47 pm
"Did you check to see what was in the other pocket?"

Dude, was it your hard-on?
Posted: Jan 18, 2009 3:12 pm
Posted: Jan 18, 2009 3:14 pm
Also don't miss Bruce Springsteen singing Woody Guthrie tonight on the tube.
Posted: Jan 18, 2009 3:15 pm
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