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Goner Message Board / ???? / There's a bird in my basement!
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 9:34 am
 
Little fucker's flying around and shitting all over everything! I made my girlfriend help try to capture it last night before our Valentine's date. We were not successful. I don't wanna kill it. I think today, my plan is to chase it around with a broom for an hour and get that fucker all tuckered out to where it's easy to just throw a blanket over it. Hopefully it won't be too hard, cause it's been down there for a couple days without food now. Any other ideas?
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 9:39 am
 
tell your girlfriend to get all gussied up and go down there and start singing a sweet, sweet melody. if she is pretty enough the bird will sit on her shoulder and chirp along, at which point she can slowly make her way outside. if it doesn't work, there is something wrong with her. the birds always know.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 9:52 am
 
The Birds are coming!

Just a few months back I went home (to my old apartment) and when I went inside, it looked like someone broke in and ransacked the place. Then I realized there was a fucking bird in there. He shit all over the place and knocked everything over! I have no idea how he got in there. I checked ever possible opening for a bird to get in but no clue. No windows open, no holes anywhere... nothing! And this is place had two doors before you got inside. Couldn't have flown in at all while I was entering/exiting. I HATE birds. I had to have Steph come and help me get it out. I don't think she's affraid of birds. Thanks again Steph!

I still find stuff I moved to my new place with bird shit on it.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 9:56 am
 
It's probably just human shit.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 9:57 am
 
a bird got stuck in my garage for a couple days. it flew in obviously when the big door you drive into was open, but didn't have the brains to fly out. i have no idea how it got out. i think we put the dog in the garage alone with the bird...
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 10:12 am
 
According to my landlord, birds can sometimes come in though the chimney. What happens is, they sit on the edge of the chimney where it's warm. But the carbon monoxide makes 'em pass out, and they fall down the chimney and then wake up and find their way out of the furnace pipes and into the basement. I'm sayin', put a fuckin' screen on there so I don't have to have bird shit all over my life!
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 10:25 am
 
When your bird is broken will it bring you down?
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 10:26 am
 
I HATE birds

...and the people who wear them! Just like snakes, fuck off, animal accessorizers!
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 10:32 am
 
Put up a bunch of signs that say FREE BIRD SEED! with arrows pointing upstairs and then to an open window. Birds are stupid!
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 10:37 am
 
... and then rig a acme one ton weight above the bird seed.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 10:51 am
 
tell your girlfriend to get all gussied up and go down there and start singing a sweet, sweet melody. if she is pretty enough the bird will sit on her shoulder and chirp along, at which point she can slowly make her way outside. if it doesn't work, there is something wrong with her. the birds always know.

Put up a bunch of signs that say FREE BIRD SEED! with arrows pointing upstairs and then to an open window. Birds are stupid!

... and then rig a acme one ton weight above the bird seed.


So what I'm hearing here is that I should definitely be employing a cartoon-inspired approach. What if I try and lure it into a trap by dressing up as a sultry, bikini-wearing ladybird?
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 11:18 am
 
the whole foods here always has a bunch of birds flying around in it.

at night time the granola aisle is basically the worlds largest bird feeder. and shitter, I presume.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 11:18 am
 
I dunno, won't you have to get in the trap to lure it in? Then you'll be trapped in the trap with a horny bird. Could get ugly, unless you're planning on shooting it with one of those bugle-shaped shotguns.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 11:23 am
 
I was thinking more of having a hole covered loosely with sticks and leaves, not an upside-down box propped open with a stick.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 11:33 am | Edited by: Womb Raider
 
that would only work on chickens and ostriches. a bird that falls into a hole-trap will inevitably use its wings to fly out, schmo-hawk! tragically this is the same reason you can't hang a bird in a noose.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 11:46 am
 
This could be the best thread ever. Thanks guys! Now I can go about my day smiling and thinking af catching-a-bird-schemes.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 11:53 am
 
I've had both a bird and a bat in my house in the last year. Got the bird out without much problem (sultry lady-bird approach), but the bat had to die. DIE DIE DIE.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 12:14 pm
 
Assuming you've got those small windows in your basement, you should probably cover them up, so it's dark down there and lure it towards the light upstairs where it will probably be easier to get it to leave via an open door or something.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 12:17 pm
 
that would only work on chickens and ostriches. a bird that falls into a hole-trap will inevitably use its wings to fly out, schmo-hawk!

Well, what I was thinking was, I'm going to leave a bunch of girlie bird magazines lying out. When he sees them, naturally his beak will start watering and he'll page through them and then greedily start picking them up off the floor. Then, when he sees the "real" girl bird (me in disguise), he'll be all, "AAAAAA-OOOOOOOGAAAAAHHHH", and he make a beeline leading him right into the trap. His little wings will be so loaded up with bird-porn that he'll fall like a stone.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 12:21 pm
 
Assuming you've got those small windows in your basement, you should probably cover them up, so it's dark down there and lure it towards the light upstairs where it will probably be easier to get it to leave via an open door or something.


BOOOOOOOORRRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG!!!!!
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 12:30 pm
 
Bake a mincemeat pie, set it outside and then the bird will dreamily fly out the window following the aroma through the air. Works for Heckyl & Jekyl
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 12:38 pm
 
Give it a conundrum like "can Birdjesus build a nest so slippery that he himself cannot stand up inside it" and watch his beady brain explode.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 12:39 pm
 
Well, what I was thinking was, I'm going to leave a bunch of girlie bird magazines lying out. When he sees them, naturally his beak will start watering and he'll page through them and then greedily start picking them up off the floor. Then, when he sees the "real" girl bird (me in disguise), he'll be all, "AAAAAA-OOOOOOOGAAAAAHHHH", and he make a beeline leading him right into the trap. His little wings will be so loaded up with bird-porn that he'll fall like a stone.

can you draw a picture of this?
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 12:39 pm
 
Or, is it a crow? You could open Crowbar's Crow Bar in your basement, serve him a few stiff drinks (some Old Crow?) and when he passes out go dump him on the sidewalk. Don't treat him too nice though or he may start coming back and bringing his friends.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 12:46 pm
 
My girlfriend said it's a crow, but I dunno. It's black with some bluish and brownish spots, and it's beak is kinda gray-brown. I would say its size is medium, a little bigger than a sparrow, but nowhere near as big as what I imagine when I think "crow".
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 1:09 pm
 
i wouldn't touch it, crowboy, it probably has bird flu and will make you dead.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 1:10 pm
 
can you draw a picture of this?

Here is a detailed diagram depicting my bird-capturing plans.

P.S. DO NOT SHOW TO BIRD.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 1:13 pm
 
no way that can fail
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 1:22 pm
 
My girlfriend said it's a crow, but I dunno. It's black with some bluish and brownish spots, and it's beak is kinda gray-brown.


that sounds like a fucking starling. normally i would do everything in my power to help a little birdie back to safety, but in the case of a starling just beat it with a fucking broom till it's dead. Fuck those feathered shit factories.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 1:27 pm
 
Put some birdseed on the floor. Then take a box and lean it on top of a stick with a string tied to it. When the bird flies down to eat the birdseed, pull the string and the box will fall down and trap the bird. Crows are nasty though. Be careful.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 1:43 pm
 
that sounds like a fucking starling.

Confirmed via Google image search. And plus, it definitely IS a shit factory. I don't understand how it can still be shitting after 3 days without food. Maybe they have evolved the ability to convert all their insides into shit in case of emergency.

At any rate, I still don't REALLY wanna kill it. I mean, so what if he's a starling? I'm not birdracist or anything.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 1:44 pm
 
Crows are nasty though
and smart. if it is in fact a crow you may just want to stick with the more elaborate plan in the drawing
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 2:16 pm
 
To be serious for a second, It's probably scared to death. All you do is get three friends, all black up, dress in matching yellow suits and perform a medley of hits by the Platters to calm him down. While he's applauding, someone creeps up behind him with a net. remember, the better your performance, the more he'll applaud and the more chance you have of getting him. have you tried the old 'baseball mitts covered in glue' method yet? Or has that been outlawed? I remember back on the plantation, my granpappy used to feed those nasty old crows iron filings mixed in with cornbread. then he'd sit there on an evening with his big old magnet and catch those birds right outta the sky. Of course back in those days, there waint no PETA around and we'd make those crows into a big ol' pie. Though they tasted real bad of iron filings. He'd feed them to the plantation workers and when they took to tryna run away, he'd sit there with that big ol' magnet and pick em right outta the tall grass out in the back field where they'd be a hidin'. Of course they outlawed that too.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 2:21 pm
 
Anybody here named Al Kaseltzah!?
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 2:31 pm
 
Anybody here named Al Kaseltzah!?

Exploding the bird would be very negative. First, I don't want to kill the little birdie. Second, I don't want to clean up the little exploded birdie off my basement walls, floor and ceiling.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 2:41 pm
 
Get the boid chopped n screwed with a capful of Robo. Make Birdman calls as he flies away.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 2:42 pm
 
One of my cats has brought in three birds in as many weeks. Once he gets them inside he simply releases them so all the animals can gawk in amazement while the bird flaps around and knocks toys and shit off shelves. Each time I've waited for the nasty starling to land on the floor. I then throw a towel over it and release birdy out in the bamboo.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 3:04 pm
 
Is it still there?

My cat used to bring home live birds and free them in the house. My mom would swat at it with a broom and I'd wave my arms around and "whoop" and jump. We'd move towards an open door and the bird would always fly out eventually.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 4:21 pm
 
I'd go with Shaun's magnet idea.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 5:46 pm
 
starlings are an all around pain in the ass. they're actually native to europe only but during some kind of Shakespearean celebration in New York some FUCKING theater faggots decided it would be a good idea to release some european starlings in Central Park because they're mentioned in one of Willy's plays or something. the climate agreed with the birds and they spread like the clap. they can now be found shitting piles of birdiepoo on cars in nearly every corner or our fair country!

http://www.omafra.gov.on.ca/english/crops/hort/news/tenderfr/tf0905a6. htm

fuck shakespeare AND starlings.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 5:48 pm
 
what about clarice?
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 6:29 pm
 
Welp, the little fucker is dead. I came home today and did a thorough search of the basement, only to find him laying lifeless under a shitty broken Series 10 guitar I have. So maybe my guitar killed it. Or maybe it just shit itself to death; there seems to be plenty of evidence supporting that theory.

That is a pretty funny story about how they got here. I wish I could go back in time to those fuckers that INTRODUCED starlings into North America, and see how they liked having tapeworms INTRODUCED into their bodies. Talkaboutchyer INVASIVE SPECIES!

Still kinda feel sorry for the little bugger in my basement though. Oh well, I'm gonna go get drunk now.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 7:10 pm
 
I thought this was going to be about the grumble guts and the odds on gambling and losing.
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 7:49 pm
 
Mark, can i have my blankets back?
Posted: Feb 15, 2008 8:00 pm
 
R.I.P. Starling. We hardly knew ye.
Posted: Feb 16, 2008 10:30 am
 
Every september bats fly through the kitchen window into my flat.
Bats!
I love them but I freak out everytime it happens.
Posted: Feb 16, 2008 4:05 pm
 
my old roomates had a screenprint shop set up in the house. left the window open one nite and a bird came in and went on a rampage, then fell into an open container of red ink and died. ick!!
Posted: Feb 16, 2008 5:24 pm
 
crowbar let me know when that Starling Stew is ready. I'M HUNGRY!!
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