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Goner Message Board / ???? / Church stories.
Posted: Jan 15, 2008 8:24 am
Thats where i met Useless Eater for the 1st time. He was sitting across the pew...I think he farted when the mass was in silent prayer. Circa 1985.
And there was at least 5 people with halitosis breath singing out of tune. And many POID's. ( People Of Imminent Death ).
Posted: Jan 15, 2008 3:24 pm
I just had my work Christmas party at the Brookfield Sharaton where in 2005 a man came into a church service that was being held there and shot and killed 7 church members... then he killed himself. We ate and played texan holdem in the once blood splattered room.
Posted: Jan 15, 2008 4:41 pm
My looney, lesbian aunt "married" her girlfriend. They had to do it in the Unitarian Church.
Posted: Jan 15, 2008 5:03 pm
6am Catholic mass...a drunk stumbles in and kneels in the pew behind a lady with a beehive hairdo and a mink coat.
This guy barfs on this lady so loud and so much that me and my brother who were little kids at the time, had to leave the church because we could not stop laughing.
It was all in her hair ond on her coat.

At Christmas midnight mass, the alter boys were all carrying these big ass candles in glass on sticks...they were all in a line and had to stand there the whole mass.
One kid fell asleep and tipped hot candle wax down the neck of the kid in front of him and it started a chain reaction of hot wax being flung all over people sitting in the pews.

Can't beat a good ol Catholic mass....even saw one alter boy's candle light the hair of the alter boy in front of him.
Oh how we laughed...
Posted: Jan 15, 2008 5:07 pm
I was an alter boy growing up despite the fact that my parents were not practicing Catholics. I prayed to God every night till the age of thirteen years old despite the fact that I was singled out by my peers and teachers as a "satanist" because of the fact that I listened to heavy metal and punk rock before approaching puberty. I've seriously considered joining the priesthood at various points in my life, usually as an alternative to the other two options I've pursued: narco-criminal and rockstar.
Posted: Jan 15, 2008 5:33 pm | Edited by: Golightly
I was a alter boy for a wedding once...The bride and groom were kneeling on the steps of the marble alter...she starts weaving a little bit and I punched the kid next to me and told him "watch this"...she keels over and cracks her head on the marble and starts bleeding all over the place.
It wasn't funny then but it is now...but nothing beats barfing drunk
Posted: Jan 15, 2008 6:34 pm
I went to multiple church weddings as a kid where the best man or maid of honor, after a night of hearty, post-rehearsal dinner carousing, passed out in the middle of the ceremony. My 6'7" ex-uncle was one of these jokers, and it was like someone chopping down a tree when he crashed to the floor, eyes rolled up in his head and a flask of whiskey in his tuxedo pocket. All class.
Posted: Jan 15, 2008 9:03 pm

Posted: Jan 15, 2008 9:16 pm
too many to recount.
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 12:20 am
she starts weaving a little bit and I punched the kid next to me and told him "watch this

I fainted once as an alter boy. It was the last time I was ever an alterboy. It was Palm Sunday, and it was really hot out and I'd dress nice when I went to church, and then I'd have to wear these big, heavy robes above my clothes. I was kneeling on the alter when I started feeling kind of light headed, but there is nothing you can do, you can't just get up and sit down, you're in the middle of Catholic mass, so I just kept on kneeling as my vision tunnelled and everything turned black. I woke up not knowing what happened, but I was surrounded by concerned people.

I stopped being an alterboy that day.
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 12:34 am
so I just kept on kneeling as my vision tunnelled and everything turned black.

"kneeling"..."vision tunnelled"..."everything turned black"..."Catholic mass." You got roofied by your priest! Was your mouth sticky when you woke up?
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 12:37 am
i attended church services every sunday until i was an adult. i was in sunday school, church choir, took catechism classes and was confirmed, volunteered, was part of the youth group, etc. was originally raised pentacostal but we switched to missouri synod lutheran, not much difference except no speaking in tongues and rolling in the aisles. both teach the bible is the perfect word of the lord. like DCR the stories are too many.

i really wouldnt be surprised if i become born again at some point in life, quit drinking and drugs, renounce the devils music and open one of those swank store front churches, see i dont think most religions today realize what it is they are teaching. they need to freshen up on the bible and not just pick and choose which passages to follow. im more with the primitive baptists on this, either the bible is the word of god or it isnt. if you profess to be a christian but fail to follow parts of the bible that dont appeal to you then you are a hypocrite destined for hell. see the teachings of john calvin.

my faith is not based on logic or reason but rather fear and brainwashing, and although i rationally realize that it doesnt make much sense i could no more stop believing jesus is son of god than i could stop believing in gravity.
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 1:35 am
I don't think that I have any "church stories", but I do fondly remember, seeing three teenage girls entering midway through mass, with shopping bags in hand. I'd like to think that they were wandering around looking for kicks wherever they went. They sang the songs but did not take communion.
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 1:51 am
they were wandering around looking for kicks wherever they went. They sang the songs but did not take communion.

I'm so stealing those lines for a song...
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 1:59 am
do most churches allow non members to take communion? ours doesnt. we dont allow people looking for kicks to gain admission to the Lord's supper. only those trained in the teachings of the Lord and who have confessed their faith in them and chosen to be a member of the church may commune.
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 2:02 am
oh, mass, sorry youre a hellbound catholic.
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 2:25 am
The only book of the bible I really feel much for is Ecclesiastes, and I definately feel that. However, apart from that I think the bible is pretty much a sham. I've studied the subject a bit and there is no way that it is the word of God. It's the word of the ancient ruling elite. They supressed the scriptures of the Gnostic Christians who had direct communication with their lord. I do have a softspot for the teachings of Christ - in theory, unfortunately from a pragmatic standpoint I find them to be completely ludicrous in today's society. I also have this fear of weakness brought on by ritual schoolyard abuse that essentially forces me to act sadistically towards those who I feel attack me. Maybe someday I'll learn to turn the other cheek.
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 2:36 am
Dad hates you, brad.
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 3:09 am
the Lord loves all his children. im a predestinarian. my parents loved me and the Lord but even my mother the Sunday School teacher was mostly ignorant of what it is the bible actually teaches. noone really earns eternal life in heaven, God has already chosen those who will be saved before they are even born. all things that happen are Gods will. an individual cant choose who they will be, when they will be born or where. God determines these things. and, although we are given the illusion of free will, the reality is that only a small portion of people are able to see and hear the bible for the truth it is. if they choose to believe it they will be saved. if not, they wont. however, the fact is God already knows what theyre going to do so the whole thing is an exercise in futility.

"He worketh all things after the counsel of His own will."--Ephesians i. 11.

one person is saved and another sent to hell based on the choice of God alone. obedience of faith is simply Gods gift to his chosen people.

see, people cannot and will not follow God. he knows that but has soverignly elected to save some who can hear and understand his words and choose to accept Him as Lord and Savior. sanctification requires a continued lifelong reliance on God to purge the Christian heart of sin.

basically it works like this, everyone was born evil and remains evil. being saved has nothing to do with virtue or merit, or good deeds, but with the mercy of God alone. unconditional election is rarely taught in mainstream churches because it makes people reluctant to convert. its that simple. it discourages the world from seeking salvation, and reduces the amount people give to the church i reckon. the fools are too blind to see that those people are never truly saved, or else distracted by their donations.

God couldve chosen to save everyone, but He didnt. its not our place to question the Lord's will. His grace is irresistable to those he has chosen to save. thats the job of the Holy Ghost. those who appear to fall away were never truly saved, as man cannot subvert the will of the Lord.

thus concludes lesson 1 of bradx bible study. heres some bible quotes relevant to predestination. and yes, i did write all this myself, other than the bible quotes.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified." (Rom. 8:28-30

who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was granted us in Christ Jesus from all eternity, 2Ti. 1:9

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;

And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them. Psa. 139:16

"So then it does not depend on the man who wills or the man who runs, but on God who has mercy. So then He has mercy on whom He desires, and He hardens whom He desires." Rom. 9:16-18
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 3:09 am
gravity's just a theory
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 3:40 am
Was never forced to go to Church as a kid...my mom was the recipient of Heavy Catholic brainwashing, but some part of her didn't want to make me go through that....but I do remember staying over at a friends house when I was like 12 or 13, freaky family, uber white trash, my friend used to eat sticks of buetter like candy bars...you get the picture...anyway, I stay over on a Saturday night, and Sunday morning we go to the Assembly of God Church...where his dad is connected with in some way...so I'm enduring the bordom, sucking up the visual cornucopia of Errol Morris-like eye-candy...when my friends Dad jumps up from the pew, in a sky-blue Polyester suit, and terrible white-man fro, with matching moustache, and starts babbling incoherently at the top of his lungs...the whole speaking in tongues deal...but I remember specifically watching his mouth, realizing there were no syllables of any sort, or any sort of a sensical structure to anything....then coming to the realizing what an enormous pile of bullshit it was....that Santa Claus was more believable....I've been an Atheist eve since.....
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 3:45 am
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 3:46 am
ok..it's evident I need to learn to type...but you get the picture
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 4:21 am
hell, i grew up in that picture...
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 4:22 am
calvary assembly of god was my first church, it started in a tent and moved to an old factory with folding chairs. theyre still active and my grandparents are lifelong members.
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 4:24 am
That explains some things..
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 4:46 am
it explains how i could write that lengthy bible lesson above without copy and pasting anything other than the bible verses...
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 4:48 am
my ancestors, the native americans didnt hear the good word until fairly recently. that means for thousands of years, no matter if they were good people or not, they died and went to hell. thats predestination my friends.
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 4:54 am
the native americans didnt hear the good word until fairly recently. that means for thousands of years,
Not according to DCR...
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 4:54 am
I went to church with John Cornyn back when he was Texas' Attorney General. Now he's a Senator.

I went to church with a bunch of rich white kids and I went to school with a bunch of poor black kids.

And now I go to neither.
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 4:56 am
Well, and thousands of years would be that they wouldn't have heard of the "good lord" until Twenty-thirty-something...
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 4:57 am
DCR, when did jesus come to the indians?
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 5:00 am
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 5:06 am
According to Joseph Smith's written account, the book is a translation of the golden plates constructed and etched by Mormon and his son Moroni approximately 1300 year earlier.

Translation proceeded through a process in which he said he could see the words of the translation through a set of stone spectacles, which he dictated to a scribe.

When the book was complete, the plates were returned to the keeping of the angel Moroni.
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 5:06 am
Hondo always said injuns was no good...
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 5:08 am
Well, they sure as shit can't mail a record...
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 5:09 am
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 5:11 am
postage paid, nigger. it aint a zing on me, i got yer $ and yer records.
actually i should begin sending them out tomorrow
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 5:11 am
but i wont!

just kidding. got a pile ready to go on the kitchen table, and the dvds for goner...
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 5:15 am
bah, it's alright. I'm watching Trailer Park Boys right now. I'm good for a bit.
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 5:17 am
i had the kid cleaning out my basement the last couple days but ill keep having him address records, most of them are ready to ship. bro in law wants to learn from me so i put him to work while i get tanked and post on message boards. thy will be done.
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 5:17 am
stone spectacles

My stoned speticles can see scripture too.
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 5:18 am
its like a religious thing to me not to do any work on the records. im a rock star and the fans are putting out this record, not me.
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 5:23 am
Isn't it a holiday?
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 7:47 am
jesus loves you this i know....
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 8:29 am
I passed out after my first communion during my confirmation. Musta been that giant thimble of wine. Fuckin' lightweight.
Not long after that, my first attempt of a band played Twist of Cain at a youth group function. Though I didn't appreciate the absurdity of it until years later. We were called Dishonor. We felt it was the better choice over our singer's suggested, Anal Vomit. In hindsight, we made the wrong choice.
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 2:51 pm
mmm...handjobs in sunday school classrooms, stuffing meat in the air vents of the church van before it took some kids to mexico...
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 4:55 pm
Gravity's a theory, but shit still falls.

I was raised Church of Christ. I went Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night until I moved out of the house at 18. I have more church stories than I care to tell.

CofC doesn't celebrate Christmas. Sure, the MEMBERS do, with all kinds of trees, decoration, presents, participation in the parade, etc. But the church officially doesn't. If Christmas happens to fall on a Sunday or Wednesday, you stop the family celebration and go to church for the "Christmas is evil" sermon and then return to your feasting and gift giving. This shit actually goes all the way back to Oliver Cromwell's brand of puritanism. The first time my wife (whose family is Cathoic/Episcopalian) went to church with me, it was at Christmas. The preacher said the Pope was the Antichrist. The last time she went to church with me, they made her cry.

Because of the total, transparent ludicrousness of Christianity in general and fundamentalism in particular, I have been an atheist since age 10. (Technically, I guess I'm a strong agnostic, but in casual conversation the differences between that view and atheism are too trivial and confusing to bring up. To the average believer, I'm a hellbound heathen.)

And speaking of which:

Quote my ancestors, the native americans didnt hear the good word until fairly recently. that means for thousands of years, no matter if they were good people or not, they died and went to hell. thats predestination my friends.

This was one of the first beliefs I took issue with in the church. Doesn't this mean that god, who is, of course all-powerful and all-knowing, created millions upon millions of souls for the express purpose of torturing them for all eternity? A god that would do something like that is an evil trickster. That's like worshiping Cthulhu.
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 5:03 pm
My dad was the pastor of our church always growing up and speaking in tongues was a regular sunday occurance at our church. I never ONCE thought that any of them had any sort of "real" shit going on. I always thought it was all bullshit.

Oh, and the shit my dad is doing now? Fucking CRAZY. I have no idea how I turned out relatively normal.
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 5:33 pm
missouri synod lutheran

Amen, brother. My dad was the pastor at two churches in Wautoma, WI back in the early 80s, and still is out here in Nevada. I stopped attending services when I got my driver license, much to the chagrin of my folks. Divine Service II has some catchy tunes in it.

This is the feast of victory for our God, Alleluia.
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 8:44 pm
I was about 7 or 8 when I had approximately the following conversation with my mom in church.
"Hey, mom."
"God created everything, right?"
"That's right."
"So then, where did he come from?"
"Oh, honey. He's just always been."
"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."
Posted: Jan 17, 2008 12:59 am
i put him to work while i get tanked and post on message boards. thy will be done.

Why dont you mix the Surf Ninjas rekkid while you are sitting around?!

Posted: Jan 17, 2008 1:04 am
"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."
science doesnt have any more logical answer as to how life began. life has never been created from non life.
Posted: Jan 17, 2008 1:38 am
True, but science also doesn't make me wake up early and dressed up on weekends to go talk about science for two hours and hope I get home in time for the adventures of Lone Ranger or Sgt. Preston and his dog King (pre-cable era).

Posted: Jan 17, 2008 2:09 am
science wont send you to hell for all eternity if you choose not to believe in it either...
Posted: Jan 17, 2008 2:20 am
no, just to the hospital....
Posted: Jan 17, 2008 3:34 am | Edited by: Useless Eater
I read all of this, should I now listen to Reign In Blood or the s/t Evil Army lp?

I agree with Brad, the people that pick n choose the parts of The Bible they like and disregard the shit that doesn't jive are total un coelo. If you're gonna believe in some straight booshit then you certainly should kill your children if they mouth off.

Exodus 22:19: Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death.

My wife should die. Pray hard.

Brad, it'll be sad if you become a born again because then you'll only write nigger on the message boards half as much. I'm sure faggot will take up the slack.
Posted: Jan 17, 2008 6:36 am | Edited by: elle
missouri synod lutheran

grew up myself going to an evangelical lutheran church, which has a slightly different doctrine. basically allows women to be preachers and allows for critical interpretation of the bible instead of a literal interpretation of everything.

but still, highly concentrated with germans and hypocrites and hellfire and brimstoners like the missouri synod.

i went to church all the time with my grandparents on my dad's side for years. they were very strict and thought catholics were the devil. funny, cuz my mom is one. my grandma said she wouldn't go to my mom and dad's wedding if it was in a catholic church. i only occasionally got to go to the catholic church with my other grandparents. i got confirmed and was baptised and all that shite.

religion left a bad taste in my mouth (no, not literally, thanks.) i just have no desire to believe in any of that shit. it's interesting looking at it from the rituals and history, but i'm just pretty disinterested. the world doesn't make any goddamn sense and a god that would create a world like this is just fucked up. so whatever. i ain't into it. hell is here on earth so i ain't skeered of burning forever in some imaginary pit of fire.
Posted: Jan 17, 2008 11:38 am
life has never been created from non life.
How do you know?
Posted: Jan 17, 2008 4:49 pm
life has never been created from non life.

Similarly, no one has ever seen an omnipotent being who could have created the universe and yet who for some reason cares about my sexual practices and will send you to hell for the minutest variations on the baptism ritual. For that matter, nobody has ever seen hell or heaven. Nobody has ever seen anybody rise from the dead.
Posted: Jan 17, 2008 5:06 pm
life has never been created from non life.
How do you know?

Well, Pasteur, Tyndall and Lewis, for starters.
Posted: Jan 17, 2008 5:07 pm
Nobody has ever seen anybody rise from the dead.

you've obviously never seen Buffy.
Posted: Jan 17, 2008 6:28 pm
Bumper sticker: "My boss is a Jewish Carpenter Zombie"
Posted: Jan 18, 2008 6:40 am
Brad, it'll be sad if you become a born again because then you'll only write nigger on the message boards half as much. I'm sure faggot will take up the slack.

i love gay niggers.
Posted: Jan 18, 2008 6:43 am
i cannot choose if i will be born again or not, its predestined. either i will or i wont, i make the choices but God already knows what im going to do. through faith are you saved, not by merit or good deeds but just because God wants to save one and send the other to hell, thats the way it is.
Posted: Jan 18, 2008 6:44 am
i think i can fear and believe in God and still swear it up on message boards a bit...
Posted: Jan 18, 2008 8:07 am
St. Larry the Paranoid: 4-12
verses 8-666

And so God and Jesus( being the most awesomest father and son duo ever..) created the Green Necco Waffer, that having the pleasant taste of Pine Sol, were givin to the lepers..beacause fuck lepers bra'.
Posted: Jan 18, 2008 8:42 pm
through faith are you saved, not by merit or good deeds but just because God wants to save one and send the other to hell, thats the way it is.

Feeling powerless in the face of a cruel, sadistic god? There is always hope that he will eat you first!
Posted: Jan 18, 2008 9:40 pm
I scored some action with a girl named Lucretia in church once. We drank the holy grape juice too.

I could go for drilling a girl named Lucretia again. Maybe I should place a personals ad...
Posted: Jan 22, 2008 5:53 am
"Alter Boys" would be girls. Altar boys would be the priests's minions.
Posted: Jan 22, 2008 12:51 pm
i make the choices but God already knows what im going to do
So God gave you the desire to play music but not the talent?
What a worthless asshole.
Posted: Jan 23, 2008 12:39 am
sign up for a anonymous username to talk shit to me?
youre the worthless asshole, chickenshit anonymous fuckface talking shit.
i have more talent than you in my excrement.
Posted: Jan 23, 2008 3:02 pm
On my way to work everyday, I pass a church called "Pipeline To Jesus". That's the name of the church. "Pipeline To Jesus". How dumb can it get?
Posted: Jan 23, 2008 6:13 pm
Are you sure that's not a gay bar?
Posted: Jan 23, 2008 7:35 pm
I used to masturbate in a Southern Baptist church pretty regularly.
Posted: Jan 23, 2008 8:38 pm
I used to masturbate in a Southern Baptist church pretty regularly.
..and then you shake hands with the minister.
Posted: Jan 23, 2008 8:52 pm
I used to get throbbing boners when hot chicks from my school would go up for communion dressed in their Sunday's best... I used to also imagine I was Jesus hanging on the cross and those hot chicks would come and suck my cock while I slowly faded away. That's what being raised Catholic is all about...
Posted: Jan 23, 2008 9:01 pm
I used to get throbbing boners when hot chicks from my school

word. I guess church was about the only time I had as a pubescent to really just meditate on sex, i.e. nothing really expected of me except to stay awake and sit still for an hour. I would be in physical pain by the time I had to stand up for the invitational (So. Baptist) after sitting there and perving on the girls (and grown women) around me for the duration of the service.
Posted: Jan 23, 2008 9:04 pm
church camp was the worst (best) because there were hundreds of new ladies ages 13-17 for me to put in the slide show.
Posted: Jan 23, 2008 9:04 pm
I got wood just thinking about it. I dated this church chick for 3 weeks after I'd turned my life over to Satan. They were freaks! Did the speaking in tongues and all. But dang, 3 weeks and no play? ferget it. I don't care if yer handling snakes next sunday, unless yer handling my snake the night before!
Posted: Jan 23, 2008 9:05 pm
todays bible verse:
1 Kings 20:35-36
Meanwhile, the LORD instructed one of the group of prophets to say to another man, "Strike me!" But the man refused to strike the prophet. Then the prophet told him, "Because you have not obeyed the voice of the LORD, a lion will kill you as soon as you leave me." And sure enough, when he had gone, a lion attacked and killed him.

the moral of the story is if a prophet of the Lord tells you to hit him you better obey God and do it or he'll send a lion to kill your ass.

Amen, motherfuckers.
Posted: Jan 23, 2008 10:28 pm
i attended church services every sunday until i was an adult. i was in sunday school, church choir, took catechism classes and was confirmed, volunteered, was part of the youth group, etc.

me too. i wanted to be a catholic priest when i was a little kid. when i went to college and majored in theology for a while i became an atheist. the more you really learn about the history of the bible itself the less reasonable it is to value christianity as a belief system though.

i have very fond memories of church camps as a teenager.
Posted: Jan 24, 2008 1:15 am | Edited by: bradx
i hated church camps. i would generally get kicked out and my parents would have to drive unexpectedly halfway across the state to come and get me.

i hear what youre saying about bible history. i think the only way one can remain steadfast in faith is by being ignorant or choosing to ignore certain facts.

2 Kings 2:23-24
23 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" 24 He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.
Posted: Jan 24, 2008 1:16 am
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