Posted: Sep 15, 2007 10:54 pm
I find myself often going out of my way to experience things I hate. I'm not a masochist, I just like being right -- I like unspoken validity some asshole friend of a friend gives you whenever he shows up and starts talking about his AmEx bill or starts using the word "hipster" 5,000 times in a single conversation (this is totally off-topic, but I'll never get around to saying it otherwise: BITCHING ABOUT HIPSTERS ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU USE THE WORD "HIPSTER" REPEATEDLY IS ABOUT THE MOST HIPSTSER THING YOU CAN DO, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP, HIPSTER). Sorry about that. My point is that being right is fun and so is funneling your negative energy to a single source, which is why I watched HBO's Labor Day broadcast of Justin Timberlake's FutureSex/LoveShow concert. But you know what? I was wrong: previously, I had thought JT was a mere weenie. Not the case. He is, instead, a douchebag.
And god, what a douchebag he is. His middle name is Massengil. Instead of a nose, he has a nozzle. He is a not-so-fresh feeling in my genitals on a breezy beach day.
Seriously. He's the kind of asshole who tells people to get out their lighters (and, in a 2007 twist, cell phones!) to salute him during a ballad. He laughs at his own unfunny jokes. He makes falsetto interjections for no reason. He wipes a (one) nonexistent tear from his eye to exemplify gratitude. He acts like he's playing the guitar, when in fact, he might not be -- check the second clip in the video below (and the slow-mo replay that follows). I know some people over-strum, but it looks to me like his rhythm is seriously off, especially when he strums and no sound comes out. I can't say for sure if he's faking it, but I wouldn't put it past him -- his craft is artifice. The dichotomy of his pipsqueak Lothario and castrated pussy personas that made FutureSex/LoveSounds such a chore to get through is only amplified in his live show. I don't buy either act. They're so flashy and broad and cartoonishly dudeish, it's as though he was raised by '80s-movie frat boys. I know that pop music revels in falseness, but Timberlake's shtick is particularly unbelievable. I'm insulted that he thinks I'm dumb enough to buy it.
So yeah, that's why he repeatedly annoys me and to celebrate that annoyance, I've assembled some clips that best exemplify his douchiness. If you're with me on that point, I think you'll get this. If you're not, and you actually like the guy, I feel like this video will be a big so-what. In that case, you're already gone and there's nothing I can do for you. Tonight, I shall drying a (one) nonexistent tear for you.