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Goner Message Board / ???? / Goner Jews...?
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 5:04 pm
 
OK, so it came up on a christmas thread, let's do a Channukah shout-out to all us Jew Goners.

I'm a Jew
and I live in Los Angeles
but my family is from NJ

Who's next???
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 5:05 pm
 
1/2 representin'.

What about Rabbi Dan?
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 5:21 pm
 
I'm a Jew
and I live in Los Angeles
but my family is from NJ


Replace "Los Angeles" with "Memphis" in my case.
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 5:21 pm
 
I bet 'Banned' has a list...
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 5:22 pm
 
We're up to 6 now, people!
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 5:29 pm
 
Moi!
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 5:31 pm
 
Using the voice of "The Count" from Sesame Street)

Seven! Seven Jews! AH AH AH AH......
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 5:45 pm
 
i hate juice.
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 6:30 pm
 
Hilter had list.
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 7:34 pm
 
I'm a Jew and I live in Oakland, CA. My mother is from the Bronx and my dad is from Brooklyn. I was born in Beth Israel hospital in Manhattan.

My grandparents were from the old country and were run out of their respective countries by the cossacks right before the Russian Revolution- total "Fiddler on the Roof" action. My great-grandfather was a shochet.

I went to Hebrew school and had a bar mitzvah. I was living in Houston at the time, so I wore cowboy boots with my suit. I kicked ass on my Haftorah.

I grew up in a kosher home. At Channukah, we hardly ever got anything good. It was always stuff like school supplies and underwear. That's because "Channukah is not Jewish xmas." However, for birthdays, we would always get money in increments of 18 ($36, $54, etc.) I have a mezzuzah on my door. Is that Jewish enough for you?

I bet 'Banned' has a list...
I met him at the Goodnight Loving show in SF last month. He actually seemed like an okay guy. I didn't identify myself as the "Goner Jew", though. I thought for sure I'd wind up on a boxcar headed for a work camp in Napa county.
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 7:37 pm
 
Hilter had list.

Do you know why Hitler couldn't drink tequila?
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 7:37 pm
 
I like Kosher dill pickles!
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 7:37 pm
 
It made him mean!
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 7:40 pm
 
It made him mean!

DING DING DING! We have a winner.
Tell him what he won Johnny.

<Johnny off stage announcer> "It's a case of Turtle wax!"
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 7:41 pm
 
I could be the only secret jew...or are there more?????

Is the rule that your mom has to be Jewish or what? I just had great-grandparents that no longer wanted to be known as Jews upon moving to the USA from France and Germany. Yeah, I know. It's bad, but don't blame me!!!!!
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 7:44 pm
 
Hey Jass,
I didn't know ANY Jews when I lived in the Bay area, especially not real Jews like you.

Wanna have a nice shabbos dinner whne I come up there in March?
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 7:45 pm
 
7 1/2
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 7:48 pm
 
Turtle Wax!!!
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 7:49 pm
 
Shine on you crazy.....tricknee
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 7:53 pm
 
I could be the only secret jew...
Secret Jews were called "Conversos" during the Inquistion. During the Holocaust, they were called corpses.

Is the rule that your mom has to be Jewish or what?
Yes, that's the rule within Judaism. That's because they could always tell if your mommy was Jewish (since you came out of her), but not always your daddy.
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 7:54 pm
 
Your mom was circumsized?
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 7:56 pm
 
So, wait, Wait, WAIT!!!

These are important rules, here, then. We've got three 1/2 Jews. If their Mom's were Jewish, does that make them fully Jewish?
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 7:56 pm
 
Dumb ass... they looked under her skirt to see if she had matzo balls!
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 7:59 pm
 
I didn't know ANY Jews when I lived in the Bay area, especially not real Jews like you.
Yeah, it's weird. I hardly ever meet any Jews here, but my wife (a shiksa) is a hairdresser in Berkeley and she's got Jewish clients coming out of her ears. Maybe she's a yid magnet.

Yeah, let's light some candles and eat some challah when you come up here.
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 8:03 pm
 
If their Mom's were Jewish, does that make them fully Jewish?
By Jewish law, if your mom is a Jew, you are 100% JEW, even if your dad was a Shi'ite Nazi. Conversely, if your mother is not Jewish, you are not Jewish at all, unless you have officially converted. However, by Nazi-standards, a person was considered Jewish if they had a single Jewish grandparent of either gender.
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 8:05 pm
 
Occasional Goner poster Boy Wonder is Jew as fuck.
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 8:13 pm
 
So, jahna, bazooka joe? How's your mom? Verklemt or just tired?
(I can't spell in Yiddish)
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 8:22 pm
 
Boy Wonder is Jew as fuck.


Hahaha...She's been MIA for a while.

I love jews. And Kosher Dills.
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 8:23 pm
 
My mom is fucking retarded. She pissed me off last the other night.
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 8:42 pm
 
If your unrelated Uncle is a jew you're in the clear?
right
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 8:52 pm
 
orange jews...for vitamin c !
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 8:56 pm
 
Supposedly my mother's father's mother was a Jew...
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 9:03 pm
 
Jew on jew...heartache to heartache...
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 9:04 pm
 
My Mom's third cousin twice removed was fond of bagels.
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 9:04 pm
 
Don't it make my brown eye Jew.....
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 9:07 pm
 
just the jew in us
we can kike it from some guy
just the jew in us
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 9:10 pm
 
The Yids are Alright
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 9:13 pm
 
Silver and Goldberg
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 9:13 pm
 
Go fly a kike
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 9:14 pm
 
"Would you like that circumSIZED?" - McFeinsteins
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 9:15 pm
 
"Did you want some of his coffee?"
"I don't know. What did hebrew?"
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 9:16 pm
 
"Bazooka Joe is a race traitor" - The Jewish Pope
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 9:17 pm
 
trickknee has a knee in his layers of folded foreskin. So, it's not just a clever name.
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 9:27 pm
 
I overheard this despicable, red neck bastard talking the other day about how if store cashiers don't say "Merry Christmas," he is not ever gonna go back there. he was reading a bible he had brought from home in a Dr.'s Office.
What a jackass.
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 9:28 pm
 
Is "Jews for Jesus" still as popular as it was in the 90's?
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 9:30 pm
 
Jews don't celebrate Christmas

and don't talk about Kinky Friedman like that
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 9:46 pm
 
I know Jewish Folks don't celebrate Christmas. I was just saying that I can't stand crazy, stupid, fundy southern baptists who expect the whole world to say "Merry Christmas" to them.
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 9:47 pm
 
no Jews celebrate the maiming of the little baby jesus by a hook nosed doctor with a knife

and then they expect everyone to give them a discount
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 10:07 pm | Edited by: fierydrunk
 
So, the Jews have nicely made it so that though entire generations of my family were big ol Euro Jews, I am not Jewish cos my mom is of Arkansas Methodist stock. Even the Nazis would have let me pass as my grandfather was only half Jew and slurping up that Communion wine and wafers bigtime during WWII.

I wonder why all those Jewish parents of my little friends at school were so adamant my dad release me to them so I could convert? I know my dad told a few of them the story and there is no denying he has Jewness in his DNA...he allowed me to pack Passover lunches and do the Seder dinners and all the stuff, but I think he just wanted me to fit in. How ironic.
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 10:09 pm
 
Wait! Even the Nazis would not let me pass cos my grandfather's mom was the Jewish one!!!!!
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 10:23 pm
 
Elvis Presley's mother's grandmother was a Zhid. And Shelby Foote's mom was Jewish and he attended temple as a kid.
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 10:35 pm
 
I wonder why all those Jewish parents of my little friends at school were so adamant my dad release me to them so I could convert?
They must have been Reform Jews. They have no problem with the whole interfaith conversion thing. Conservative and Orthodox Jews really aren't too hip on people converting. It's not easy at all. My ex-wife wanted to convert prior to our ill-fated marriage, even though I'm not religious at all. It took her almost 2 years to complete her training. It's easier to get accepted into most Ivy League schools than it is to convert to the more "observant" branches of Judaism. If she was a dude, she would've had to have gotten circumcized! They don't do that at Dartmouth. Some folks think it's elitist that the Jews are so anti-convert. Perhaps. But the upside is you're never gonna have some strange Jew hassling you on the street to join his synagogue.

Is "Jews for Jesus" still as popular as it was in the 90's?
Worst religion EVER! They're just weenies trying to cover all of the bases for when they get to the afterlife. A real person of faith needs to take a stand! Jews and Christians can't BOTH be right in the eyes of G-d. There's a name for people who believe Jesus is the messiah- Christians. Accepting Christ as your saviour basically nullifies your Jewishness. Just be a christian for christ's sake and save yourself a whole boatload of headaches. I don't think there's really that many of these fools, but they are very "in your face" so they seem like they're everywhere.


Even the Nazis would not let me pass cos my grandfather's mom was the Jewish one!!!!!
Sucks to be Jew.
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 10:36 pm
 
I'm surprised jewbacca hasn't posted on here yet. Maybe he just hasn't seen the thread. He even dressed as a giant Dreidel for a Holiday Burlesque show! There are pictures of this but i don't have 'em.
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 10:41 pm
 
jewbacca hasn't posted on here yet.

he's busy drinking baby's blood and stealing Christmas presents from under your Christmas tree.
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 10:42 pm
 
I have a Christmas tree? Bah,Humbug!
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 10:44 pm
 
In your bellybutton.
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 10:46 pm
 
"I don't know. What did hebrew?"
http://www.shmaltz.com/
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 10:49 pm
 
I bet 'Banned' has a list...
I met him at the Goodnight Loving show in SF last month. He actually seemed like an okay guy. I didn't identify myself as the "Goner Jew", though. I thought for sure I'd wind up on a boxcar headed for a work camp in Napa county.


My bandmate Shaun is Jewish. So is Todd, and I'm letting him put out our record. I hear that those types are great with money. Here's to gettin' rich!
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 11:12 pm
 
Add me to the Jewish list. Daneau is also Jewish, but he only follows the stereotypes.
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 11:19 pm
 
They must have been Reform Jews. They have no problem with the whole interfaith conversion thing.

Oh they were Reform all right. I didn't know Orthodox Jews existed until I left Memphis. A few of them were forever coming on to my dad when he'd pick me up. It was awful and sad. Ignored, gorgeous, wildly rich 1970's Jewish wives in East Memphis. What a crew. But I sure loved enjoying the adoption--Kosher Hostess treats!!! Kosher Doritos!!!! Jewish girl expensive handmedowns!
Posted: Dec 22, 2006 12:11 am
 
Daneau is also Jewish, but he only follows the stereotypes.

That may be, but I'm still as Jewish as Andre Williams
Posted: Dec 22, 2006 12:26 am
 
Add me to the Jewish list.


I already counted you two!

I'm keeping tab(ernacles)s!
Posted: Dec 22, 2006 12:32 am
 
The Jews have a lot to answer for. I 'm not talking about causing all the wars or the money thing ...or even killing Jesus. That's nothing. Don't give that stuff any creedence. But that Adam Duritz shit is inexcusable.
Posted: Dec 22, 2006 1:35 am
 
I already counted you two!

I'm keeping tab(ernacles)s!


That worries me a little because I don't recall discussing my heebiness on here. Or does my honking Jew-nose give it away?
Posted: Dec 22, 2006 1:37 am
 
Diggler is Jewish. The only problem is that when the mohel circumcized Diggler , he threw away the wrong piece!
Posted: Dec 22, 2006 1:39 am
 
I'll be damned. I just did a search and I've brought it up twice. But it still worries me. What kind of lists are you keeping Stands?
Posted: Dec 22, 2006 2:41 am
 
mohel


Like anybody knows what that means.
Posted: Dec 22, 2006 2:57 am
 
fierydrunk
I've got a little jew in me. uncircumsized jew. great great grandfather was euro jew adopted by u.s. christians.
Posted: Dec 22, 2006 5:20 am
 
I didn't know Orthodox Jews existed until I left Memphis.

You must notta grown up in my neighborhood in East Memphis. Baron Hirsch is the largest orthodox shul in America. Gotta drive slow around there on Saturday afternoon. Jews all over the place ...
Posted: Dec 22, 2006 5:23 am
 
While we're talking about mohels and circumcisions, read this touching story about the theft of Our Personal Lord and Savior Jesus Christ's foreskin ...


http://www.slate.com/id/2155745/fr/rss/
Posted: Dec 22, 2006 5:36 am
 
My dad's Jewish, my mom's not - so I'm only moderately stingy and I only control half of Hollywood.
Posted: Dec 22, 2006 6:56 am
 
Hey Stands, my mom's doing fine; thanks for asking! I wonder if she and my aunt are customers at the hair salon that Hugh Jass's wife works at... practically my whole family moved to California. Mom and aunt and cousins all live in Berkeley. I'm going out to visit them the first week of January - anything good going on?
Posted: Dec 22, 2006 8:47 pm
 
I'm going out to visit them the first week of January - anything good going on?
Unfortunately, there's a serious lag going on right now. My band is playing with the Mothballs at the Knockout in SF on 1/10, if you'll still be around then.
Posted: Dec 22, 2006 10:13 pm | Edited by: fierydrunk
 
You must notta grown up in my neighborhood in East Memphis. Baron Hirsch is the largest orthodox shul in America. Gotta drive slow around there on Saturday afternoon. Jews all over the place ...

Nope, I grew up in Midtown one block West of Grace St. Lukes Episcopal Church where this little mutt was confirmed. All the kids I was friends with were Temple Israel kids. Most lived in the neighborhood right behind Lausanne off of Massey Rd. all the way East to Kirby.

My home away from home:
http://ti.urj.net/
Posted: Dec 24, 2006 8:31 am
 
My band is playing with the Mothballs at the Knockout in SF on 1/10, if you'll still be around then.


Cool! I'll be there from 1-4 to 1-11. Don't know what my family plans are yet. If the show doesn't conflict with stuff I have to do with family, I'll be there!
Posted: Dec 27, 2006 10:27 am
 
Add Andre Williams, indeed. I have a poster from the "Silky" record release party that he signed "Shalom".

Also, I believe Alex Red Menace from The Feelers fits the bill. Sure, Christmas might not be his thing, but I got him a hockey stick & I think he appreciates it whether he's into the holiday or not.
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