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Goner Message Board / ???? / The greatest thing anyone's ever said...
Posted: Sep 5, 2006 4:09 pm
 
A woman just came up to me and said...

"I have one eye but I'm looking for books by Ann Rule."

what a country.
Posted: Sep 5, 2006 4:20 pm
 
A stranger addressing me after following me for two long NYC blocks: "I jes' want you to know y'all don't run this shit no mo'. Secret society in 'ne house!"
Posted: Sep 5, 2006 4:51 pm
 
It didn't happen to me directly, but this still blows me away. My two friends were sitting in a dark movie theatre, waiting for the film to begin. This guy wanders over near them to find a seat, and as he is sitting down he mumbles to himself "Perpetual motion...changed my mind." This was just about the wierdest and coolest thing that I could hope to hear from another human being. I only wish I could have heard it first hand.
Posted: Sep 5, 2006 4:56 pm
 
"no, man, SIXTY is the highest number!!!"
Posted: Sep 5, 2006 5:13 pm
 
A bit of wisdom from my friend The Cougar.

"Yeah man, tomboys are wild in the sack."

We were both about seventeen at the time...
Posted: Sep 5, 2006 5:53 pm
 
SUPERMAN DAM FOOL


I've taken that to heart.....it's true you know.....
Posted: Sep 5, 2006 5:58 pm
 
After my band played a particularly shitty show with numerous equipment failures and fucked up song attempts, I apologized to my friend who put on the show for our lackluster performance and this was his simple reply:

"That's rocknroll."

My entire attitude towards playing music was put into perspective and altered forever at that moment. Thanks, Tom.

-Ryan
Posted: Sep 5, 2006 6:19 pm
 
i got a text from my drummer:

"next time you decide to to break something, don't break my cymbal stand motherfucker."
Posted: Sep 5, 2006 6:32 pm
 
What if she had said "I have herpes, but I'm looking for a book by Tom Wolfe"
Posted: Sep 5, 2006 6:34 pm
 
in home depot, a stranger:
"there are two things that will kill a man in this life; one is crack, and the other is pussy."
Posted: Sep 5, 2006 6:40 pm
 
he forgot about stingray barbs, apparently.
Posted: Sep 5, 2006 6:40 pm
 
Standing outside a bar in Louisville, this dude looked down at my barely-still-existing Chucks and said, "What's holding those shoes together?"

My friend didn't miss a beat and said, "Punk rock."

Stupid, but true.
Posted: Sep 5, 2006 6:47 pm
 
My friend Scooter, VERY large guy:
"I wish I had a woman right now, but I'd settle for a ham sandwhich"
Posted: Sep 6, 2006 4:22 pm
 
Tyler Keith

"if your songs suck, your band sucks"
Posted: Sep 6, 2006 4:37 pm
 
"Girls Are Addicted to what my Dick Did" - Eazy E
Posted: Sep 6, 2006 6:04 pm
 
a nutjob in a Kroger:

"I'll kill all you sonsabitches! I'm a GODDAMN GENIUS!!!"

of course, he was being escorted out at that point. curious about what happened before this marvelous dialogue.
Posted: Sep 6, 2006 6:50 pm
 
"Girls Are Addicted to what my Dick Did" - Eazy E

I thought it was "Cause you're addicted to what my dick did/The pleasure and pain that I inflicted."
Posted: Sep 6, 2006 7:33 pm
 
heated exchange reported in the nyc subway:

professional-looking young woman says to oblivious encroaching neighbor: "are you carrying a gun?"

oblivious encroaching neighbor: "uh, no..."

professional-looking young woman: "then quit pushing me before i kill you."
Posted: Sep 6, 2006 8:01 pm
 
Said by another biker while biking to work:
"Dude, I like the wind, but this resistance is fucking hardcore."
Posted: Sep 6, 2006 8:06 pm
 
That's gonna be the name of my new tribute band to early 80s DC hardcore; "Hordcore Resistance".
Posted: Sep 6, 2006 8:20 pm | Edited by: Adam K
 
A couple of houses down from me a couple weeks ago:

SCENARIO: Crazy drunk old fatso neighbor w/ shirt perpetually unbuttoned is profanely screaming at HIS neighbor about allegedly harassing some old woman from the block.

Everyone on the street was out on our lawns whoopin' and hollerin' at the excitement, which pissed Mr. Crazy off even more. He yelled that he was gonna slit all our throats, told the guy he was originally arguing with to get outside so they could fight once and for all, and went back into his house. The neighbor came down and waiting around for Crazy to come back outside. He lost patience, and went back inside after 2 or 3 minutes.

Crazy motherfucker comes back outside with a PICK-AXE (he kinda looked like the old miner from Toy Story 2 at this point, if the toy had been drunk and disheveled), goes to his neighbor's balcony and shouts...

CRAZY GUY: "COME ON OUT HERE, YOU COCKSUCKER FUCKING ASSHOLE! LET'S FIGHT!!!

NEIGHBOR: "What the fuck?? I don't think so..."

CRAZY GUY: "COME ON PUSSY!! WE'LL GO PICK-AXE TO PICK-AXE!"

NEIGHBOR: "Uhhh, I don't really have a pick-axe..."

CRAZY GUY: "YOU CAN USE MINE!!!!"

The cops came soon after that. It was awesome.
Posted: Sep 6, 2006 8:22 pm
 
Boy in residential treatment writing up a "grievance" on staff: "Hey, Mizz Young, How you spell 'pose'?"

Mizz Young: "Um, what do you mean? Use it in the sentence."

Boy: "Mr. Sharp was pose to give me something to eat before we went to bed and he threw my meal in the trash."
Posted: Sep 6, 2006 8:29 pm
 
that reminds me of when this little girl told me...

"when i grow up i'm going to be a soccer ball" and I was like "you mean you want to be a soccer player?" and her mom said "No, she really wants to be an actual soccer ball."

kids say the darndest things.
Posted: Sep 6, 2006 8:32 pm | Edited by: m t millionaire
 
kids say the darndest things.

At age 3, my daughter wanted to be 3 things when she grew up: 1) a clown 2) an artist 3) a dog.
Posted: Sep 6, 2006 8:44 pm
 
"Martin Luther King Jr. He wanted us all to drink out the same waterfalls."

- my child
(written on a crayon picture for Black History Month)
Posted: Sep 6, 2006 8:48 pm
 
One of my cousins once said she wanted to be a house. Now she's in law school. Oh how things change.
Posted: Sep 6, 2006 8:50 pm
 
My other favorite black child quote (I should have carried a tape recorder with me in Memphis):

We were listening to Hot 107 and this DJ, Devin Steele, who is white but sounds VERY black was on. I told Natasha that he was, unbelievably, a white man...

Natasha (looking very angry and/or confused indeed): "Welllllll, dey musta dyed him or sumthin'"
Posted: Sep 6, 2006 8:54 pm
 
Oh and a black adult quote (this guy was in grad school with me and was about 50 and had worked in the Flint auto factories his whole adult life--I think he was admitted to the program based on "life experiences"):

We had watched a documentary on how various cultures treat their developing children. The main theme was how Americans coddle their children (i.e. the concept of "childproofing"), while other cultures just "let mistakes happen".

Immediately after the film was over, the man raised his hand and asked:

"Professor Schwartz? How you childproof a teepee?"

I SWEAR TO GOD.
Posted: Sep 6, 2006 9:32 pm
 
"Mr. Sharp was pose to give me something to eat before we went to bed and he threw my meal in the trash."

In high school (HIGH SCHOOL) this kid in front of me turned around and said, "How do you spell use?" And I said, "U-S-E." and he said, "No, like use guys."
Posted: Sep 6, 2006 9:44 pm
 
This wasn't that greatest thing I ever heard but the situation was pretty classic.

"Don't you love me anymore?"

Chicago Wino to me as I made my escape off the train after just being puked on all over by said Wino only minutes earlier.
Posted: Sep 6, 2006 10:24 pm
 
that reminds me of a richard pryor quote:

"the only thing a wino is scared of is runnin out of wine"
Posted: Sep 6, 2006 10:29 pm
 
9th grade student: what did hitler make them concentrate on in concentration camps?

same student: wasnt winston churchill that fat radio guy that got busted for takin prescription drugs?
Posted: Sep 6, 2006 11:21 pm
 
thats a good mutha..go back in to ye bungalo and pre 'tict the toiny croc beebies'.
Posted: Sep 6, 2006 11:52 pm
 
"Welllllll, dey musta dyed him or sumthin'"
"Martin Luther King Jr. He wanted us all to drink out the same waterfalls."
"No, she really wants to be an actual soccer ball."

These are right up there.
I was always partial to what those guys said while they were beating up Dan Rather in NYC, "What the frequency, Kenneth? What's the frequency, Kenneth?" but the 'Kids say the Darndest Things' wins every time.
Posted: Sep 7, 2006 12:08 am
 
"Girls Are Addicted to what my Dick Did" - Eazy E

I thought it was "Cause you're addicted to what my dick did/The pleasure and pain that I inflicted."


my quote was from a television interview Eazy did in the 80s
Posted: Sep 7, 2006 12:20 am
 
that reminds me of when this little girl told me...

"when i grow up i'm going to be a soccer ball" and I was like "you mean you want to be a soccer player?" and her mom said "No, she really wants to be an actual soccer ball."


My neice told my sister that she wanted to be a boy so she could play soccer. My sister, who played varsity soccer in college, was very disappointed.

But I guess my neice thinks only mommies can go in airplanes too, so maybe that evens the score in the battle of the sexes.
Posted: Sep 7, 2006 12:35 am
 
food stand at a football game, guy orders fries.

fat woman: "you want them with ketchup or with mayo?"

guy: "WITH SALT!! YOU CUNT!!!"
Posted: Sep 7, 2006 12:44 am
 
two kids, 14 or 15 yrs old, talking.

"who's that guy on your shirt again? i know that dude..."

"IDIOT....that's SHIGIWAWA - the singer of RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE!"
Posted: Sep 7, 2006 1:39 am
 
I think he was admitted to the program based on "life experiences"

I majored in life experiences in college.
Posted: Sep 7, 2006 12:40 pm
 
I friend of mine working in a restaurant was waiting o a family with a teenage daughter. After they left he found a note on the table from the daughter. She wanted him to call her, and she described herself as "the girl in the yellow shurt".
Posted: Sep 7, 2006 3:32 pm
 
My friend has a student who spells/pronounces 'didn't' as 'didren't'
Posted: Sep 7, 2006 9:56 pm
 
a conversation with my roomate lin skinner:
lin skinner: i'm gonna go deconstruct my bed
me: lin skinner, thats impossible
lin skinner: why?
me: because only the bed can deconstruct itself, you can only analyze how the bed deconstructs itself
lin skinner:*scratching head*
me: *smiling*
lin skinner: how does that work
me: well, it only works if you bed is a text; is your bed a text?
lin skinner: *scratching head*
me: *smiling*
lin skiiner: i don't think so...
me: well i guess your bed is gonna stay constructed
lin skinner: damn. well, i guess i'm just gonna go take it apart then.
Posted: Sep 7, 2006 10:32 pm
 
this fucking idiot i work with asked me " when do girls go in heat". he wasnt referring to dogs either.
Posted: Sep 7, 2006 11:31 pm
 
me: well i guess your bed is gonna stay constructed
lin skinner: damn. well, i guess i'm just gonna go take it apart then.


Girl to Lin Skinner: " I'm just giving you a hard time.."
Lin's response:" Go ahead and give me ten hard times in a row."
Posted: Sep 8, 2006 12:11 am
 
"I'm runnin' across!" - shouted directly to a group of friends and me (on our way to Summerfest in Milwaukee this summer) by a weird nerd who passed us heading the opposite direction, and suddenly started jogging as he stepped onto the crosswalk. There was no need for him to run; the DON'T WALK sign hadn't even started flashing. I guess he just wanted us to know.
Posted: Sep 8, 2006 12:15 am
 
"It'll do everything but BLOW YA." -- My father, proudly introducing his new car
Posted: Sep 8, 2006 9:45 pm
 
pillow talk with margaret:
Margaret: you know, i really like it when people value me for other things than sexual attraction, but some times i like to be sexually attractive, its like, hey, just fuck me.
Posted: Sep 8, 2006 10:05 pm
 
My friend's grandpa when we were about 12-13 when my friend expressed some interest in one of his female classmates:

"So, you gonna bust open that whisker biscuit?"
Posted: Sep 8, 2006 11:08 pm | Edited by: Poot
 
at a restaurant i worked in there was a hyper-homo latino waiter who would just wig at the thought of fucking going on - be it man-woman, man-man, dog-dog, insects, amoebas dividing, whatever - he'd FLIP OUT.

one night a straight-guy waiter got picked up by a hot young female customer, and they made plans to meet up after the shift let out. Hyper-homo got wind of it and literally started to leap about in joy, screaming, "Aieee! HE PICK HER UP!!! HER PUSSY GONNA EAT TONIGHT!"
Posted: Sep 9, 2006 6:59 am
 
My buddy worked at a golf course, landscaping.

One day, he arrived at work while everyone else was out landscaping, and found the following written instruction:

"Git mor and mo"

????!?!?!

He finally worked it out: "Get mower and mow."
Posted: Sep 9, 2006 7:07 am
 
In Maryland, my buddy's dad was on sub-contracted construction job, hundreds of miles from home.

His co-worker, a jackass, forgot to bring deodorant to the week-long job, so they all bitched him out when he began to stink and he decided to buy some deo when they stopped at a convenience store for sodapops.

Jackass: Do you have any deodorant?

Clerk: What kind are you looking for?

Jackass: Buhhhhh...

Clerk: Like, do you want the "ball" [as in "roller ball"] kind...

Jackass: No, no, no, just underarm.
Posted: Dec 9, 2006 10:45 am
 
( proclamation to a nagging girlfriend)

"I don't want another mother, I want another beer."
Posted: Dec 9, 2006 5:30 pm
 
Some sexually repressed kid, that was in my summer gym class came up to me out of nowhere and said,"Whats a mangina?''

trippy
Posted: Dec 10, 2006 12:08 am
 
My bass player heard this when he worked at a chain record store.. " I'm looking for a cd of a band from the 60's . I dont know if you have heard of them but the are called THE BEATLES!!!"
Posted: Dec 11, 2006 7:58 pm
 
I used to work for Playboy and a woman and wanted to know where to buy a merkin. She told me that she was going thorugh chemotherapy and that she "just doesn't feel like a woman without a full bush".
Posted: Dec 11, 2006 8:06 pm
 
I heard a guy telling someone..."You might think I'm stupid but you're not the only one...."
Posted: Dec 11, 2006 8:29 pm
 
i was in philly at some thrift store and there was this group of black high school girls checking out a maniquin with army fatigues on...

one piped up with (in the heaviest accent)

"i don't tink yo shud whare sumtin lahk dat unliss yo earnt'd it!"
Posted: Dec 12, 2006 12:58 am
 
a recent bulletin from a friend on myspace:

"comic geeks who love comics and love social networking websites should sign up for comicspace.com
its not very cool right now. but hopefully it becomes a marvelous wonderland of geek talk and imaginary existence.
comics are rad.
serious."
Posted: Dec 12, 2006 1:19 am
 
There's a homeless man that hangs on my block sometimes. He looks like an old captian to a pirate ship or something. Mostly he's quiet but, once I was walking by and he screamed out "AMERICAN!!!" as he's pointing and looking at me. He couldn't believe how many non-american's were passing by. I asked him what he meant and he starts talking about his dog and lawyers and shit....Babble babble blah blah blah....Then he says again, "I can't beleive it son, AN AMERICAN!!!"

Now everytime I pass him whether he's sleeping or not....I scream,"AMERICAN!"
Posted: Dec 12, 2006 1:24 am | Edited by: T J Honeysuckle
 
kids say the darndest things.

At age 3, my daughter wanted to be 3 things when she grew up: 1) a clown 2) an artist 3) a dog.


When my son was about 3, he once started a conversation with his aunt "Well, before, when I was a cat...". he was quite serious that before he grew up into a little boy, he was a cat.
Posted: Dec 12, 2006 1:39 am
 
Life is a driveway.
Posted: Dec 12, 2006 4:16 am
 
Pete, at Heavenly Hoagie today...guy at the counter mentions he will be in New York over the break, and has never been...Pete, without pausing, offers advice: "Eat pizza"
Posted: Dec 12, 2006 4:29 am
 
I went through some bad times...

I fell into homeliness, and drugs...

- Howard Tate instore @ shangri-la. it was so freakin great it wouldn't get out of my head.
Posted: Dec 12, 2006 7:10 am
 
I fell into homeliness

thats way bad.
Posted: Dec 12, 2006 7:23 am
 
Nigger!
Posted: Dec 12, 2006 9:26 am
 
A pre-fame Robert Mitchum, to his wife: "Stick with me, kid, and you'll be farting through silk."
Posted: Dec 12, 2006 12:56 pm
 
I think we should see other people.
Posted: Dec 12, 2006 1:55 pm
 
this morning this bum named 'big show' who i kinda patron every now and then with a sandwich or pack of smokes asked me "why do they give the homeless prunes?" after saying "i can't drink juice, it'll give me the runs"
Posted: Dec 12, 2006 3:13 pm
 
Actually, come to think of it, seeing as Strings'n'Things has been discussed on Goner recently, one of the 'rad' clerks there asking me, "Hey you guys are English, right? What's the deal with this Franz Ferdinand guy?" the other year was pretty great. Nadia's mostly deaf uncle Brian, who was looking for a banjo neck, and obviously confused with a question about a person who he'd been taught had started WW1, quickly bellowed "Have yer got any banjoes?" rather loudly, much to everyone's surprise. Not least because Uncle Brian was standing with his back to a, ta-daa, wall of banjos ...
Posted: Dec 12, 2006 5:22 pm
 
Last night a tall gay black man told me I looked like Burt Reynolds in 'The Longest Yard,' told me I wasn't a man cuz I've never seen it, told me he was cousins with Mookie and Derrick Blaylock, and that he wanted to suck my dick.

Best blow job I've had in years. Hut hut HIKE!
Posted: Dec 12, 2006 6:45 pm
 
One time the mailman at my old job came up to me on a cloudy day and said "God is about to crack his whip" ...later there was a thunderstorm
Posted: Dec 16, 2006 8:51 am
 
I just happened to have a pocketfull of quarters, confronting an Afro-American who had a hip flask...

Homeless: Youse gots some spare changes?

I: Yeah, I got somethin' for yer...

Homeless: Thanks, mistah! You want a pull offa this [whiskey]?

I: Nar, I drank too much last night.

Homeless: Tha's righ, you was FUCKED UP!

I bust up right there, give dude the rest of the change in my pocket.
Posted: Dec 16, 2006 9:21 am | Edited by: Luke Warm
 
Homeless dude in busstop: Hey man, can I aks you a question?
Me: You just did!
Homeless dude: *stammers for a second* I'm sorry man.

So...to whichever Goner it was that suggested "you just did" as a comeback...thank you. I've never had a bum apologize for bugging me...well, unless it's part of his schpeel. But this guy was genuinely stumped.
Posted: Dec 16, 2006 11:15 am
 
I'm still rooting for "the Goner board is the window to the soul"...
Posted: Dec 16, 2006 7:09 pm
 
I went through some bad times...

I fell into homeliness, and drugs...

- Howard Tate instore @ shangri-la. it was so freakin great it wouldn't get out of my head.


I missed that. I was laughing at how he fucked something up, then says it's because his eyes are real bad. Then immediately follows that with another "Y'all look real good tonight."
Posted: Dec 16, 2006 7:21 pm
 
Walking down the street at night....I don't even see this bum who's about 10 feet away from me in a parking lot, he yells "HEY!!!!" at the top of his lungs, and scares the FUCK out of me. I look over and he's got this huge grin on his face, and he says "I lowered my cholesterol!!!"
This was right around the time that those Cheerios (I think?) commercials were big....I almost shit myself laughing.
Posted: Dec 17, 2006 6:17 am
 
a girl i know: "you better get me home quick or its gonna look like somebody got murdered in my underwear"
Posted: Dec 17, 2006 8:35 am
 
'brock got shot."

not very great, but very large in scope.
Posted: Dec 17, 2006 4:49 pm
 
once jeff gunn yelled at one of our shows:

"you guys are terrible . . . i love you!"
Posted: Dec 17, 2006 4:56 pm
 
once jeff gunn yelled at one of our shows:

"you guys are terrible . . . i love you!"


doesn't he say that at every show he goes to???
Posted: Dec 17, 2006 5:45 pm
 
What was way greater than hearing that Brock got shot (which wasn't so great at all) was hearing the hillarious shit that came out of his mouth as we got drunk with him afterward.
Posted: Dec 17, 2006 7:20 pm
 
"That crazy dancin's makin' my penis soft."
Posted: Dec 17, 2006 7:39 pm
 
"John Wayne was a fag"
Posted: Dec 17, 2006 9:37 pm
 
"Our department is five hundred thousand dollars in the red." --me
"It's more than that. It's a half a million."--some dizzy chick that I used to work with. On the panhandler tip, I was walking down the street one day and this Native comes up to me and sez, "Hey Big Sexy, can you gimme 50 cents?" I gave him a dollar...
Posted: Dec 18, 2006 1:31 am
 
thanks bruce my heart is shattered. for one small moment i was special. bastard.
Posted: Dec 20, 2006 8:21 pm
 
This morning in class, I was teaching a unit on conspiracy theories & modern history to a small group of twenty-something ESL students.

I was telling them about moon landing hoax theories, and the hungover Korean guy gives me a look like I told him that Santa's dead, and says, "what?? Louis Armstrong never walked on the moon???"
Posted: Dec 20, 2006 8:33 pm
 
pfft everybody knows it was lance armstrong who landed on the moon.
Posted: Dec 20, 2006 8:35 pm
 
"You can't judge a book by its cover in Los Angeles, because everyone looks stupid."
Posted: Dec 20, 2006 8:47 pm
 
"so, how would you describe your bands sound?"
Posted: Dec 20, 2006 11:12 pm
 
Actually, I hate to be the one to tell you, but it was Tim Armstrong, not Lance.

Fuck. Today I felt like Harold Ramis at the beginning of Stripes.
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 12:08 am
 
Overheard at county clerk's office: "Yeah ,I know he triflin' but ,girl! he got that GOOD hair!"
Posted: Dec 21, 2006 5:28 am | Edited by: T J Honeysuckle
 
"Holy mackerel, you are small,"
You need to read that in context- link is right here.
Posted: Dec 22, 2006 4:39 am
 
""Slow down, enjoy Christmas, have a wonderful time but don't leave your brain on the footpath when you get in a car.""
Again, context is everything
Posted: Dec 22, 2006 6:30 am
 
I think I've said this on here before, but while having a conversation with my dad about the whole Mel Gibson Jew rant he went on, dad matter of factly sais..." He's done in hollywood. Those Jews are like elephants. They don't forget stuff".

And my personal favorite overheard at the STD clinic from the black guy sitting behind me..." Man! I can't believe I gots to come down here all cause that bitch didn't want to wash out her pussy"
Posted: Dec 22, 2006 6:33 am
 
And my personal favorite overheard at the STD clinic

By the way, all the tests came back negative.
Posted: Dec 23, 2006 6:08 am
 
Which obviously begs the question- Why were you at the STD clinic?
Posted: Dec 23, 2006 10:40 pm | Edited by: deadcityrebel
 
ANYTHING JACK BAUER SAYS!!!!!!!
Posted: Dec 24, 2006 1:15 am
 
I am NOT a small girl by any means. Yet after examining my sinuses with some probe stuck up my nose, my sinus was amazed by how narrow my nasal and sinus passages are. Then he takes my wrist in his hand and exclaims "My Nadine, you are quite petite on the inside!" haha! I still want to get that made into a shirt "Petite on the inside"
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