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Goner Message Board / ???? / Poems, Toasts and Curses...
Posted: Jun 28, 2006 2:13 am
 
A man may kiss his wife goodbye,
The rose may kiss the butterfly,
The wine may kiss the frosted glass,
And you, my friends, may kiss my ass.

Here's 2 U,
Here's 2 Me,
Here's 2 Sex,
When It's Free

Here's to the bee that stung the bull and sent the bull a buckin'
Here's to Adam who stung Eve and sent the world a fuckin'
Here's to Adam.

I know a game of twenty toes.
It's played all over town.
The girls play it with ten toes up,
The boys with ten toes down.

Here's to me in my sober mood,
When I ramble, sit, and think.
Here's to me in my drunken mood,
When I gamble, sin, and drink.
And when my days are over,
And from this world I pass,
I hope they bury me upside down,
So the world can kiss my ass!

Be good.
If you can't be good, be careful;
And if you can't be careful,
Name it after me.

Here's to the top
And here's to the middle
Let's hope tonight
We all get a little

Here's to you, here's to me
May we never disagree,
But if we do
To Hell with you
Here's to me.
Posted: Jun 28, 2006 2:16 am
 
Classic Jewish Curses....

May you never be alone in bed: you should always have bedbugs, lice, fleas, etc.

May you grow beets in your belly and pee borsht!

May you have twelve healthy children.
And then may someone give one of them a whistle.

May they find thousands of new cures for you each year.

May you have devoted children to chase the flies off your nose.

May you never have to visit such a filthy place as a bathroom or outhouse.

May your daughter's beauty be admired by everyone in the circus.

May you grow so wealthy you can afford only the finest specialists.

You should be like a chandelier -- you should hang and burn.

May they name a baby after you!
(It means "Drop dead!" because, traditionally, babies are named after *dead* relatives.)

You should find a gold piece on the sidewalk and be so arthritic you can't pick it up.

Your nose should grow so much hair it strains your soup.

May your blood turn to alcohol so all the fleas on your body get drunk and dance the mazurka in your belly button!

May the sun and the spring breeze warm you and caress you like an apple as you hang from a tree.

May you back into a pitchfork and grab a hot stove for support.

Den ganzen Kopp sollen se haben voller Läüs und so e korz Ärmchen dass Se sich net kratze könne

"Your head should be full of lice but your arms should be too short for you to scratch."

Zolst farlirn ale tseyner, akhuts eynem -- un *der* zol dir veytun (vey tun)!

May you lose all your teeth, except for one -- and *that* one should hurt!

You should grow like an onion,
with your head in the ground pointing towards hell.

May you win a lottery,
and spend it all on doctors.

May you live in a house with a hundred rooms,
and may each room have its own bed,
and may you wander every night from room to room,
and from bed to bed, unable to sleep.

I hope you swallow an umbrella and it opens up inside you

May you grow so rich that your widow's second husband
never has to worry about making a living.

May you grow two more hands to scratch all your itches.

May you back into a pitchfork and grab a hot stove for support.

May you have lot of money, but you should be the only one in the family with it.
Posted: Jun 28, 2006 2:18 am
 
I love my man, I love him best
I love him more than all the rest
I'll fuck him sitting, I'll fucking lying
If he were a bird, I'd fuck him flying
And when he's dead he won't be forgotten
I'll dig him up and fuck him rotten
Posted: Jun 28, 2006 2:21 am
 
Haunted George, you son of a bitch
may your balls develop a 7 year itch
may your pecker be twisted in such a manner
that your asshole whistles the Star Spangled Banner.

May bleeding piles distress you and corns adorn your feet
May crabs as big horseshit crawl on your balls and eat
And when you're old and feeble and a syphilitic wreck
May your spine fall through your asshole and break your fuckin' neck
Posted: Jun 28, 2006 2:24 am
 
May your clock run slow, your heart fast, your bile over, your wife away, your nose always.

May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.
Posted: Jun 28, 2006 2:26 am
 
Here's to it, and through it, and to it again,
To suck it, and screw it, and screw it again!
So in with it, out with it,
Lord work his will with it!
Never a day we don't do it again!
Posted: Jun 28, 2006 2:36 am
 
The sky was blue
The sun was high
We were alone
Just she and I
Her hair was brown
Her body fine
I ran my hand along her spine
With some courage
I did my best.
I placed my hand upon her breast
My other hand shook
As did my heart
I gently spread her legs apart
I knew she was ready
But I didn't know how.
It was the first time
I milked a cow
Posted: Jun 28, 2006 2:39 am
 
The Legend of Pisspot Pete

Now gather 'round children and I'll tell a story of old,
When men were brave and women were bold.
It all started a way out west,
To settle the bet of who was best.
Now Old Lill fucked everything that crawled or creeped,
And piled her victims in a great big heap.
There wasn't a man for miles around
With a big enough rod to fuck her down.
Now news of this boast traveled far and wide;
Thousands of rod-toters came and died;
When down from Knoxville came Piss-pot Pete,
With eighteen pounds of Swinging Meat.
Eighteen pounds of meat and thirty pounds of cod;
He wasn't a boy--he was a MAN, by God!
Pete laid it out on the Blue Balls Bar;
I'll swear it stretched from thar to...........thar.
Stunk like shit, I thought I'd die;
But he just laughed and let it lie.
Gentlemen, countrymen, boys in blue,
Came to witness this terrible screw.
People came from miles afar,
To place their bets at the Blue Balls Bar.
They met the next morning in the middle of the street,
The Mangey Whore and Piss Pot Pete.
Pete greased his dick with a tub of lard,
And he killed a mule trying to work up a hard!
Old Lill warmed up on an old cross-tie;
Oh my God how the splinters did fly!
Pete came down Main Street like a south-bound freight,
And Old Lil knew she had met her fate.
All she could do was to take a seat,
And let old Pete sink his meat.
With a stretching of flesh, and tearing of skin,
Old Pete drove the first two feet in.
Old Lil screamed and clawed at the grass,
And yelled like a panther with a turpentined ass!
Lil let out a scream, "I can't take any more!"
But Pete pounded away on the smelly old whore.
The earth shook and dark came to the sun;
Pete's eyes rolled back and he fired off his gun.
When the battle was over and the dust had cleared,
Over forty acres, Lill's ass was smeared.
Gallons of love were spilled out in the street.
It was so damn sticky, you couldn't pick up your feet!
Land was torn up for miles around,
Where Old Pete's balls had drug the ground.
Pete reeled in his dick and pounded his chest;
Got on two horses and rode off West.
As a lasting memory to the great Old Whore,
They hung her drawers on the Bar Room door.
And all the soap this side of hell,
Couldn't wash away that whorehouse smell!
Now Old Pete died and went to hell:
Fucked the devil and his wife as well!
The little imps screamed and climbed the wall,
Yelling, "Get him out of here before he fucks us all!"
He fucked ninety-eight and his balls turned blue,
Then he backed off, jacked off, and fucked the other two!
Posted: Jun 28, 2006 2:41 am
 
I've only read about three things in these lists, but please, keep 'em coming!
Posted: Jun 28, 2006 2:44 am
 
The Ballad of Big-Ass Lil and Yukon Pete

Grab your glass and get your seat,
And I'll tell you about Big-Ass Lil and Yukon Pete!

Now, Lil was the village queen,
The fuckinest whore you'd ever seen.
While some girls fucked with grace and ease,
Lil blew dick like the summer breeze.
But when she fucked, she fucked for keeps,
She piled her victims up in heaps.

There was a rumor 'round that town,
That no man could put Lil's ass down.
But way up north, where twin rivers meet,
Lived a one-balled half-breed, name Yukon Pete!

Pete was a dirty, motherless soul,
Who fucked bears, sheep and woodchuck holes.
He got a whip for Big-Ass Lil,
Packed up his rubbers, and came down the hill.
He strode into town on size 32 feet,
Dragging sixteen yards of that red-hot meat!

Well, the scene was set at windy mill,
By the brick shithouse, high on the hill.
All the ladies came for a ringside seat,
Just to watch that half-breed sink his meat.

Well, they fucked, and they fucked, and they fucked for hours,
Uprooting trees, shrubs and flowers.
Lil did front flips, back flips, stunts
All unknown to most common cunts.
But Pete caught on to every trick,
And kept on pumping in more dick!

Then Lil gave Pete a hoarhouse squeeze
That brought that half-breed to his knees.
But Pete came back with a Yukon grunt
That popped out her eyes, and split her cunt!

Well, Lil rolled over, cut two farts and sighed:
"Boys, I've been fucked," cut one more, and died.
When they asked that half-breed of his amazing feat,
He just said, "Boys, I'm going back to the Yukon, and beat my meat
Posted: Jun 28, 2006 2:47 am
 
"Lil The Whore"

In a town of Louieville,
There lives a well known whore, named lik,
Now it was known for miles around,
That no two men could hold her down.

Then over the hill came a bare ass greek,
Who said his name was Piss Pot Pete.
He laid his cock across the bar,
It was seventeen inches long and twice as hard.

Lil new then she had met her fate,
But to back out then was to late.
So thay choose a spot up on the hill,
In back of the shit house beside the mill,

He mounted her like a Belgium stud,
And threw her ass into the mud,
And thay fucked and fucked for hours and hours,
Untill thay had killed all the trees and flowers,

Lil tried some stuff, some super stunts,
Unknown to other common cunts.
Finally with a sigh and a cough,
Lil gave up and pete jacked off.

Now Lil is no longer A well known whore.
And Pete is the father of four or more,
They no longer do it behind the mill,
For now they do it on the window sill.

Pete better teach his kids from right from wrong,
Or they will go about a singing this song.

Garter Fixer.
Darling let me fix you're garter,
Just and inch above your knee,
And my hand it slipped up farther,
And she shot all over me..
Posted: Jun 28, 2006 2:47 am
 
Molly Brown

Molly, Molly, Molly Brown,
Said no man could lay her down.

Over the hill comes Piss Ball Pete,
50lbs. of swinging meat.

He laid Molly in the grass,
Suck his cock right up her ass.

Then old Molly blew a fart,
Blew his balls 10 feet apart.

Over the hill comes Piss Ball Pete,
50lbs. of shredded meat.
Posted: Jun 28, 2006 4:11 am
 
George gets an A+ in English 101
and the same in Poetry 201.
since it's not 1958
George's poems can't fornicate
Posted: Jun 28, 2006 6:37 am
 
this one doesn't read as well as it's heard

Here's to Honor
Get Honor, Stay Honor
If You Can't Come In Her, Come On Her
Posted: Jul 19, 2006 7:05 pm
 
THE PIONEERS
Anonymous
The pioneers have hairy ears,
They piss through leather britches;
They wipe their ass on broken glass
Those hardy sons-of-bitches!
When cunt is rare they fuck a bear,
They knife him if he snitches;
They knock their cocks against the rocks,
Those hardy sons-of-bitches!
They take their ass upon the grass,
From fairies or from witches;
Their two-pound dinks are full of kinks,
Those hardy sons-of-bitches!
Without remorse they fuck a horse,
And beat him if he twitches;
Their mighty dicks are full of nicks,
Those hardy sons-of-bitches!
To make a mule stand for the tool,
He's beat with hickory switches;
They use their pricks for walking sticks,
Those hardy sons-of-bitches!
Great joy they reap from buggering sheep
In sundry bogs and ditches;
Nor give a damn if it be a ram—
Those hardy sons-of-bitches!
When booze is rare they do not care,
They take a shot of Fitches;*
They fuck their wives with butcher knives,
Those hardy sons-of-bitches!

* Fitches' hair tonic
Posted: Jul 19, 2006 7:07 pm
 
POOR WHITE TRASH
(Anonymous)

The rich man uses vaseline,
The poor man uses lard,
The nigger uses axle grease
But he gets it twice as hard!
Posted: Jul 19, 2006 7:08 pm
 
RING--DANG-DOO
(Anonymous)

Oh, Ring-dang-doo! Pray what is that,
So soft and warm like a pussy-cat,
So warm and round, and split in two?
She said it was her Ring-dang-doo.

She took me down into her cellar,
She said I was a damn fine feller,
She fed me wine, and whiskey too,
And let me play with her Ring-dang-doo

"You God-damned fool," her mother said,
"You've gone and broken your maidenhead;
So pack your trunk, and suit-case too,
And go to hell with your Ring-dang-doo."

She went down town, became a whore,
Hung up a sign outside her door:
"One dollar down or less, will do,
To take a crack at my Ring-dang-doo."

They came by twos, they came by fours,
Until at last they came in scores;
But she was glad when they were through,
For they had ruined her Ring-dang-doo.

And now she lies beneath the sod;
Her soul, they say, is gone to God;
But down in Hell, when Satan's blue,
He takes a whirl at her Ring-dang-doo
Posted: Jul 19, 2006 7:12 pm
 
FRANKIE AND JOHNNIE
(Anonymous)

Frankie and Johnnie were lovers:
Goodness, Oh God! How they'd love—
Swore to be true to each other,
True as the stars above.
For he was her man,
But he done her wrong!

Frankie was a good girl,
Most everybody knows,
She gave a hundred dollars
To Johnnie for a suit of clothes.
Cause he was her man,
But he done her wrong!

Frankie worked in a crib-joint,
A place that's got two doors;
Gave all her money to Johnnie,
Who spent it on parlor-house whores.
God-damn his soul,
He done her wrong!

Frankie was a fucky hussy—
That's what all the pricks said—
And they kept her so damn busy,
She never had time to get out of bed.
But he done her wrong,
God-damn his soul,

Frankie hung a sign on her door,
"No more fish for sale."
Then she went looking for Johnnie
To give him all her kale.
He was a-doin' her wrong,
God-damn his soul,

Frankie went down Fourth Street
To get a glass of steam-beer;
Said to the man called bartender,
"Has my lovin' Johnnie been here?
God-damn his soul,
He's a-doin' me wrong!"

"I couldn't tell you no story,
I couldn't tell you no lie,
I saw your Johnnie an hour ago
With a coon called Alice Bly.
God-damn his soul,
He was a-doin' you wrong!"

Frankie ran back to the crib-joint,
Took the oilcloth off the bed,
Took out a bindle of coke
And snuffed it right up in her head;
God-damn his soul
He was a-doin' her wrong!

Then she put on her red kimona,
This time it wasn't for fun;
Cause right underneath it
Was a great big forty-four gun.
She went huntin' her man,
Who was a-doin' her wrong!

She ran along Fish Alley,
And looked in a window high,
And she saw her lovin' Johnnie
Finger-frigging Alice Bly.
He was a-doin' her wrong,
God-damn his soul!

Frankie went to the hop-joint,
Frankie rang the hop-joint bell:
"Stand back you pimps and whores,
Or I'll blow you straight to hell.
I'm huntin' my man,
Who's a-doin' me wrong!"

Frankie ran up the stairway—
Johnnie hollered, "Please don't shoot!"
But Frankie raised the forty-four
And went five times, root-ti-toot.
She shot her man,
'Cause he done her wrong!

"Turn me over Frankie,
Turn me over slow;
A bullet got me on my right side,
Oh Gawd! It hurts me so.
You've killed your man,
But I done you wrong!"

Then came the scene in the courthouse:
Frankie said, as bold as brass,
"Judge, I didn't shoot him in the third degree,
I shot him in his big fat ass;
'Cause he was my man,
An' was a-doin' me wrong!"

Bring out your rubber-tired hearse.
Bring out your rubber-tired hacks.
Hearse to take Johnnie to the cemetery;
Hacks to bring all the whores back:
For he's dead and gone,
'Cause he done her wrong!

They brought a rubber-tired hearse,
And brought out rubber-tired hacks:
Thirteen pimps went to the cemetery
But only twelve came back.
He's dead and gone,
He was a-doin' her wrong!

The sergeant said to Frankie,
"It may all be for the best,
He always chased 'round parlor-house whores,
He sure was an awful pest;
Now he's dead and gone,
He was a-doin' her wrong!"

Three little pieces of crepe
Hanging on the crib-joint door,
Signifies that Johnnie
Will never be a pimp no more.
God-damn his soul,
He done her wrong!
Posted: Jul 19, 2006 7:13 pm
 
A TOAST
(Anonymous)

A social glass
And a social lass
Go very well together.
But a social lass
With a social ass
I think a damn sight better.

Here's to the glass,
And the lass, and the ass,
May we meet in all kinds of weather;
We'll drink from the glass,
And feel of the ass,
And make the lass feel better.
Posted: Jul 19, 2006 7:14 pm
 
MARY'S LITTLE LAMB
(Anonymous)
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white as snow;
And everywhere that Mary went
The lamb was sure to go.

It followed her to the barn one day
For eggs she was to hunt;
It stuck its nose beneath her clothes
To get a whiff of cunt.

Now, Mary was a naughty girl
And didn't give a damn;
She let him have another whiff
And killed the god-damned lamb
Posted: Jul 19, 2006 7:17 pm
 
MY LULU
(Anonymous)

I wish I was a diamond
Upon my Lulu's hand,
And every time she wiped her ass
I'd see the promised land.

Chorus:
Bang away my Lulu,
Bang away good and strong;
Oh, what'll we do
For a damn good screw
When our Lulu's dead and gone?

I wish I was the pee-pot
Beneath my Lulu's bed,
For every time she took a piss
I'd see her maidenhead.

Chorus:

My Lulu had a baby,
She named it Sunny Jim,
She dropped it in the pee-pot
To see if he could swim.

First it went to the bottom,
And then it came to the top,
When my Lulu got excited
And grabbed it by the cock.

Chorus:

I wish I was the candle
Within my Lulu's room,
And every night at nine o'clock
I'd penetrate her womb.

My Lulu's tall and sprightly,
My Lulu's tall and thin,
I caught her by the railroad track
Jacking off with a coupling-pin.

Chorus:

I took her to the Poodle Dog,
Up on the seventh floor,
And there I gave her seventeen raps
And still she called for more.

My Lulu was arrested;
Ten dollars was the fine—
She said to the Judge,
"Take it out of this ass of mine."
Posted: Jul 19, 2006 7:19 pm
 
HIS GREATEST FEAR
(Anonymous)

Some folks die of whisky,
and some folks die of beer,
And some folks di-a-betis,
and some of di-a-rrhea

But of all the dread diseases
the one that I most fear,
Is the drip-drip-drip,
and the drop-drop-drop
Of the red-headed gonorrhea.
Posted: Jul 19, 2006 7:20 pm
 
THE YOUNG MAN OF CALCUTTA
(Anonymous)

There was a young man of Calcutta
Who practiced a curious trick:
He greased up his asshole with buttah
And therein inserted his prick.

He adopted this measure so shady,
Not for pleasure, nor power, nor pelf:
But merely because a young lady
Had told him to go fuck himself
Posted: Jul 19, 2006 8:58 pm
 
Haunted George, you've been listening to a whole bunch of white country blues shit lately, haven't ya?
Posted: Jul 19, 2006 11:21 pm
 
you've been listening to a whole bunch of white country blues shit lately, haven't ya?

I've been on this big Mexican music kick lately... I've been listening to a bunch of that Tejano stuff that Arhoolie put out...
Posted: Jul 19, 2006 11:26 pm
 
Here's to Woman -- who, generally speaking, is generally speaking.
Posted: Jul 19, 2006 11:27 pm
 
Here's to the girl named Louise
Who's pussy hair hung to her knees
The crabs got together
and Knitted a sweater
So in the winter her pussy wouldn't freeze.
Posted: Jul 19, 2006 11:28 pm
 
Here's to the girl from Chester
Who said to the guy who undressed her.
'I think that you'll find
You should lick my behind,
'Cause my pussy is starting to fester.'
Posted: Jul 19, 2006 11:29 pm
 
We dedicate this to the cunt,
The kind the broad-minded guys hunt:
All hail to the twat,
Willing, thrilling, and hot,
That wears peckers down, limp and blunt!
Posted: Jul 20, 2006 12:24 am
 
About 5:00 am I left the middle of the city,
Look at that sunrise, ain't she a pretty one,
me and sparkletts water and brand new day.
In a bright green truck and a shimmering sign that says Sparkletts, friend,
way out yonder around the bend,
lived a little old lady and her dog named Leon Jones, yeah Leon.
The lady is friendly, seems real nice,
Leon don't..tried to bite me twice,
so now I bring water and two big juicy bones, lamb shoulder.
Fresh clean water is what its all about,
I put fresh ones in and take empties out,
and the way she smiles reminds me of my old Aunt Flo,
don't you, South Dakota...treats me like a real hero.
Well, she said thanks, I think, Leon grinned,
I put her in gear and hit the road again.
Me and Sparketts water making friends.
Posted: Jul 20, 2006 12:31 am
 
Well I was drivin' along on my Sparklets route.
great drinkin' water's what it's all about
when I spied the Family Truck Stop and Cafe.
And they wern't kiddin' with a mom and dad,
a girl and boy,
dogs and cats and all their toys
well I pulled my pulled my bright green truck in for some gas,
"fill her up, son"
Well, I noticed a sad look on their face
as there wasn't a customer in the place
I took a drink of coffee and I knew the reason why
I nearly died.
I said, "I'm your local Sparkets man
and that shimmering sign means great taste and
I believe I've got a great idea for you..."
I told 'em about Sparkelts
I gently suggested they try it in their coffee.
Well the very next time that I come by
I got a great big smile and a "hi-dee-hi"
Me and Sparklets water did it again,
Me and Sparketts water making friends.
Posted: Jul 21, 2006 6:09 am
 
put out a "adult party record"
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