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Goner Message Board / ???? / Post your best Jew joke
Posted: Jan 25, 2006 7:52 am
 
q: Why donít they sell popcorn in Oklahoma?
a: Because itís not kosher
Posted: Jan 25, 2006 8:51 am
 
You're retarded.
Posted: Jan 25, 2006 11:41 am
 
so if Jesus was a Jew, how come he has no sense of humour?
Posted: Jan 25, 2006 12:20 pm
 
Q: What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?



A: A canoe tips!
Posted: Jan 25, 2006 12:59 pm
 
We only have jokes about arabs here...
Posted: Jan 25, 2006 3:59 pm
 
A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asked for their orders. The man said, "A hamburger,
fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," said the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

"That will be $9.40 please," she said, and the man reaches into
his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
said, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich said, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
"The usual?" asked the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
salad," said the man.

"Same," said the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and said, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," said the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" exclaimed the waitress. "Most people would wish for
a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," replied the man.





The waitress then asked, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answered, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big ass and long legs who agreed with everything I said."
Posted: Jan 25, 2006 5:41 pm
 
that's rich!
Posted: Jan 25, 2006 6:00 pm
 
Late at night, a woman is woken from her sleep by a bat suddenly swooping into her room through a window.

She watches as the bat transforms itself into a vampire. She grips the pillow tightly, but is too afraid to speak.

The vampire slowly approaches, but as it almost reaches her, the woman suddenly remembers the cross on her night-stand.

She grabs it tightly, holding it out towards the vampire and, in a trembling voice,cries,

"You can't come closer! I have a cross."

The vampire looks the woman in the eye and responds, "Lady, Es vet dir gornisht helfen!"

Woo hoo!
Posted: Jan 25, 2006 7:43 pm
 
a preist and a rabbi are walking down the street and see an 8 year old boy. the preist says, "wanna fuck him?" and the rabbi says, "out of what?"

or

what's the american dream? 1 million blacks go back to africa with a jew under each arm.
Posted: Jan 25, 2006 8:02 pm | Edited by: grouchbutt
 
A jewish kid asks his dad for fifty bucks.

The dad flies off the handle and says, "Thirty dollars? What do you need ten dollars for?"
Posted: Jan 25, 2006 8:02 pm
 
A jewish kid asks his dad for fifty bucks.

The dad flies off the handle and says, "Thirty dollars? What do need ten dollars for?"


HAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Never heard that one before!
Posted: Jan 25, 2006 8:14 pm
 
Abe and Moishe, two old friends who haven't seen each other in a long time, run into one another on the street.

Abe, excited to see his old friend says, "Moishe! It's been years! How you doin', how you makin' out?"

Moishe replies "Pretty good, Abe. I won the lottery."

Abe says, "That's fantastic, how much you win?"

Moishe looks over his shoulder, and then says "Twenty million."

Abe is beside himself, "Twenty million, oy vey, what'd you do with it?"

Moishe says, "Well, right away I sent half to the Germans."

Abe can't control himself, "You sent ten million dollars to those murdering bastards? I can't believe you did that. How could you?"

Moishe sighs and says "I had to." Then, rolling up his sleeve,continues- "They gave me the numbers."
Posted: Jan 25, 2006 8:53 pm | Edited by: Hugh Jass
 
An old lady, who speaks only Yiddish, goes into a department store looking to buy some baby powder. She can't find any - but suddenly spots a sales clerk wearing a yarmulke. "Yunger mann, kum aher" she calls ."Vu fint m'n der bebbe pooder? "
The sales clerk responds --"Ich vil ihr veizen vu tsu geyen - ober ihr muz geyen punkt azoy vi ich key , nor vi ich gey - nisht andres. Kum noch mir un ich vil ihr veisen vu tsu geyen." And he starts down the aisle with the old lady following him. This clerk happens to be very noticeably bow-legged. When the old lady spots his bowed legs, she lets out a g'shrey -- "Ven ich ken azoy geyen, volt ich nisht ge'daft kein bebbe pooder!

Woo hoo!
Posted: Jan 25, 2006 9:45 pm
 
Q: What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A: A pizza doesn't scream when put in an oven!

or

Q: How many Jews can you fit into VW Bug?
A: 6 milllion and 4... 6 mil in the ash tray, 4 in the seats!


KA-ZING!
Posted: Jan 25, 2006 11:59 pm
 
What is a jew's biggest dilemna?

Free pork!
Posted: Jan 26, 2006 12:13 am
 
A Jewish guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. Hey takes a look around the place and sees a Chinese guy sitting at the other end of the bar. After a few more drinks the Jewish guy walks up to the Chinese guy and smashes him on the head, knocking him off his bar stool and onto the floor.

"What the hell was that for?" asks the Chinese guy.

"That was fo Pearl Harbor!" explains the Jew.

"Pearl Harbor?!" says the Chinaman. "That was the Japanese! I'm CHInese!!!"

"Chinese, Japanese, it's all the same," scoffs the Jew and walks back to his seat at the bar.

The Chinaman dusts himself off, hops back up on his bar stool and orders another drink. An hour later and completed sloshed, the Chinaman staggers over to the Jewis guy and clobbers him over the head, knocking him off his bar stool and onto the floor.

The Jewish guy looks up at the Chinaman and says, "What the hell was that for?"

"That was for the Titanic," replies the Chinaman.

"The Titanic?!" cries the Jew. "The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!"

The Chinaman responds, "Iceberg, Greenberg, it's all the same."
Posted: Jan 26, 2006 12:17 am
 
My dad (a major Jew) used to always say that the blacks hadn't done anything since they built the pyramids.
Posted: Jan 26, 2006 12:27 am | Edited by: Hugh Jass
 
My dad (a major Jew) used to always say that the blacks hadn't done anything since they built the pyramids.

That doesn't sound like much a "Major Jew" to me. Every year at Passover we're reminded that the Jews built the pyramids while slaves in Egypt. Personally, I say the pyramids were built buy space aliens who had Jewish attorneys.
Posted: Jan 26, 2006 2:31 am
 
bend over and spell RUN...

ha ha..
Posted: Jan 26, 2006 3:22 am
 
Q: If Jesus was a Jew then why does he have a Puerto Rican name?
Posted: Jan 26, 2006 4:27 am
 
FUCK ALL!!! I STILL SEAK REPARATIONS FROM EGYPTIAN GOVERNMENT!!!
Posted: Jan 26, 2006 6:10 am
 
one time on a job, the elctrician holds up a piece of wire and says "you know how copper wire was invented?"

"2 jewish guys fighting over a penny"


ct
Posted: Jan 26, 2006 3:04 pm
 
That doesn't sound like much a "Major Jew" to me

I agree. To be president of the Brotherhood at our temple and still be so sassy... we were in South Alabama in the early 80's mind you.

The thread asked for a Jew Joke. I thought a joke from a jew would suffice! How could anyone top the ostrich one?
Posted: Jan 26, 2006 7:22 pm
 
To be president of the Brotherhood at our temple and still be so sassy... we were in South Alabama in the early 80's mind you.

The idea of Jews in the deep South intrigues me. My mom grew up in the Bronx and everyone she knew was Jewish. Her best friend, Naomi, went to a small Liberal Arts college in Alabama or some other state in the deep south around 1958. Naomi's college roommate had never seen a Jew before and when she met Naomi she said in all seriousness, "You're not a Jew. You haven't got any horns." I feel gypped. When did we Jews stop getting our horns? I'm totally sueing somebody.
Posted: Jan 26, 2006 7:26 pm
 
Haha! That reminds me of that movie School Ties. It's also funny that you said "gypped." That's just like saying, "Jewed down." Not that I'm against any racial slurs...
Posted: Jan 26, 2006 10:54 pm
 
I remember when I was 16 and bought my first bass from Music Go Round(used music store)...my mom who is from south Florida was with and haggled with the owner. She later told my dad how she jewed him down on the price.

I always thought that was funny in a quasi-offensive sort of way.
Posted: Jan 26, 2006 10:55 pm
 
Quasi offensive? It's totally offensive! NEAT!
Posted: Jan 26, 2006 11:01 pm
 
It's also funny that you said "gypped." That's just like saying, "Jewed down."

I knew what I was doing. Thieving gypsies think they're so cool with their accordions and confidence scams and inbreeding.
Posted: Jan 27, 2006 12:11 am
 
How many jews does it take to clean an oven?

Six million and counting.
Posted: Jan 27, 2006 12:15 am
 
Being Jewish in the South is wierd. But not as wierd as being Catholic!
Posted: Jan 27, 2006 1:39 am | Edited by: Mark Rochambeaux
 
The idea of Jews in the deep South intrigues me.

Fun facts: The oldest synagogue in the U.S. is in Charleston, S.C. Baron Hirsch here in Memphis is the largest orthodox congregation in the U.S. There were high-ranking Jewish officers in the Confederate army.

Being Jewish in the South is wierd. But not as wierd as being Catholic!

You are correct!
Posted: Jan 27, 2006 1:47 am
 
I've been inside that synagogue in ChuckTown, AANNNNNNND I was rasied Catholic while growing up in the South. Intriguing, yes?


ct
Posted: Jan 27, 2006 6:29 am
 
these are some interesting things i'm reading... i would fight for the confederacy if i was gay.... but as it stands i'm only jewish... oh well...
Posted: Jan 27, 2006 11:21 am
 
I wan't paying enough attention. I thought the title to this thread was "post your best NEW joke". I kept thinkin', "Golly, they sure lettin' those filthy jews have it on this thread."
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