Posted: Jun 22, 2008 6:05 pm
Hate to come down on a struggling ma 'n' pa like this, but someone should shoot a fucking documentary on this place. I live across the street, and have gotten into the habit of calling them before I go over:
"Yes, I just wanted to make sure that there's just one checker right now, moving as slowly as possible, and I wanted to confirm that the line is all the way to the back wall."
One recipient actually answered with this: "Shiiiit, ha ha, prolly is."
Just think, now you don't have to visit MLG&W, a cell phone outlet, attempt to get anything done at the DMV, or return something to Sears in order to get that distinct sloth-like, sassy, bad attitude that keeps the gears moving in a smooth and swift manner with so many aspects of Memphis life.
Once, two patrons in their bright-ass sweaters and leather caps had the checkout person changing the battery in some shitty watch they purchased two weeks prior. The line was backed up 15 strong. When I asked, "Does he look like a jeweler to you? He's trying to check out customers," the question/comment was met with "a look."
The problem is that reliable soup and sandwich of shitty retail experiences: Slow, check-writing, bitching-about-everything, hand full of PowerBall and scratch-offs, price-haggling, got-nowhere-to-be-in-no-sort-of-hurry customers with the worst, most apathetic, soul-deadening customer service this side of the Bursar's Office at U of M.
And....NO HALF AND HALF. Why am I in a store the size of a city block and there's no fucking HALF AND HALF???? Why is the magazine selection burdened with deadly weapon periodicals?? That'd be a great reality show: Living off of Ike's for a year. Limiting your reading habits to Robin Cook's latest neo-medical-techno-thrillers and Jesus self-help books and going without half and half....wearing bootlegged Marmaduke (I prefer the Parade Magazine knock-off, "Howard Huge") sweat shirts. I wish. My ideal Ike's world has poisoned my mind.
I live ACROSS THE STREET from this festering, diseased hell hole, but if it were in any other part of town, and we were living in a post-apocalyptic nuclear winter wasteland, and Ike's was the only place open, I'd jump in my fortified RV and brave the giant cockroaches/dogs-that-walk-upright-and-have-external-puppy-sacs situation to reach a pile of garbage guarded by a shit-mote and Vietnam-era land mines. That's totally untrue. I'd still go to Ike's......because I hate myself.