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Goner Message Board / Memphis / Local Bitch
Posted: Jun 22, 2008 6:05 pm
 
Hate to come down on a struggling ma 'n' pa like this, but someone should shoot a fucking documentary on this place. I live across the street, and have gotten into the habit of calling them before I go over:

"Yes, I just wanted to make sure that there's just one checker right now, moving as slowly as possible, and I wanted to confirm that the line is all the way to the back wall."

One recipient actually answered with this: "Shiiiit, ha ha, prolly is."

Just think, now you don't have to visit MLG&W, a cell phone outlet, attempt to get anything done at the DMV, or return something to Sears in order to get that distinct sloth-like, sassy, bad attitude that keeps the gears moving in a smooth and swift manner with so many aspects of Memphis life.

Once, two patrons in their bright-ass sweaters and leather caps had the checkout person changing the battery in some shitty watch they purchased two weeks prior. The line was backed up 15 strong. When I asked, "Does he look like a jeweler to you? He's trying to check out customers," the question/comment was met with "a look."

The problem is that reliable soup and sandwich of shitty retail experiences: Slow, check-writing, bitching-about-everything, hand full of PowerBall and scratch-offs, price-haggling, got-nowhere-to-be-in-no-sort-of-hurry customers with the worst, most apathetic, soul-deadening customer service this side of the Bursar's Office at U of M.

And....NO HALF AND HALF. Why am I in a store the size of a city block and there's no fucking HALF AND HALF???? Why is the magazine selection burdened with deadly weapon periodicals?? That'd be a great reality show: Living off of Ike's for a year. Limiting your reading habits to Robin Cook's latest neo-medical-techno-thrillers and Jesus self-help books and going without half and half....wearing bootlegged Marmaduke (I prefer the Parade Magazine knock-off, "Howard Huge") sweat shirts. I wish. My ideal Ike's world has poisoned my mind.

I live ACROSS THE STREET from this festering, diseased hell hole, but if it were in any other part of town, and we were living in a post-apocalyptic nuclear winter wasteland, and Ike's was the only place open, I'd jump in my fortified RV and brave the giant cockroaches/dogs-that-walk-upright-and-have-external-puppy-sacs situation to reach a pile of garbage guarded by a shit-mote and Vietnam-era land mines. That's totally untrue. I'd still go to Ike's......because I hate myself.
Posted: Jun 22, 2008 6:50 pm
 
Time to get on that fancy bike of yours and ride up to...Walgreens?
Posted: Jun 22, 2008 8:06 pm
 
the mapco on jackson by my house is similar..this woman was eating a fried drummy with shit sauce all over her fingers grabbing smokes scanning my tiger woods gator aid i give her cash she gives me change with schmutz on it an then fucking licks her fingers..ino shiit i mean where else do you see that shit fucking great...we need a convenience store reviewer in this town...where i can successfully get my sips and my snacks
Posted: Jun 22, 2008 8:12 pm
 
Ike's is the only place in town you can get potting soil and granola bars on the same aisle!
Posted: Jun 22, 2008 8:13 pm
 
That description was stomach-churning and mirth-filled all in one, kitty lovin!
Posted: Jun 22, 2008 8:27 pm
 
Ike's is the only place in town you can get potting soil and granola bars on the same aisle!

also get your prescription eye glasses
Posted: Jun 22, 2008 8:39 pm
 
I went to ikes yesterday to buy some astroglide and had no hassles finding somebody to open the condom case in a matter of 30 seconds.

Quite a pleasant experience.
Posted: Jun 22, 2008 8:43 pm | Edited by: Wire
 
Last night at the pig:
First woman in line waiting for her man to find something. Cain't find it, keeps asking the cashier where to look, then hollering instructions. At least she let people go by.
Next man in line was a Mexican dude. Just wanted some beer, but the language barrier stretched the conversation past "ID" "here you go" basics.
Third guy was an oldish dude who wanted a Dr. Pepper and smokes. So cashier fetches smokes. Asks for ID. No ID. She won't sell. At least the guy didn't argue much, but what a bitch.
Fourth guy was me. Buying Drano at 2 am seems to raise an eyebrow. Or maybe I raise an eyebrow.

I used to be a night cashier. I figured my job was to figure out what shit cost, tell the customer, take the money, and give them the shit. Quickly and with a minimum of fuss. Man, I love self-checkout.
Posted: Jun 23, 2008 10:38 am
 
I love Ike's! You must be going at the wrong time or something.
Course, I hardly ever go through the front check out line because I'm usually doing business at the pharmacy.
The pharmacy is just GREAT! I dealt with Walgreens pharmacy for YEARS and hated it every single month. Changed to Ike's and it's cheaper and they are fast there.
Plus, you always get to look at the weird stuff in the store, and the dollar aisle is awesome.
They had really nice aloe plants outside the other day for five bucks. You hardly ever see aloe plants anymore.

I went to ikes yesterday to buy some astroglide and had no hassles finding somebody to open the condom case in a matter of 30 seconds.

This is funny cause last time I was in Walgreens there was a well dressed yuppie old guy standing in front of the condom case and the loud speaker kept blaring for more than five minutes "CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP IN THE PERSONAL PROTECTION AISLE! CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP IN THE PERSONAL PROTECTION AISLE!" Over and over and over.
The guy did not look amused.
Posted: Jun 23, 2008 11:53 am
 
The last time I saw someone buying a condom at the front Walgreen's counter the woman at the counter kept loudly asking him about what brand and the guy looked embarrassed.When I got to my car parked out by the street he was getting a blow job so I looked at him and laughed then I blew my car horn all the time I was backing out to leave.
Posted: Jun 24, 2008 10:56 am
 
I have a good friend who works at the UT Pharmacy school, and she told me Ike's is the best pharmacy in the city. I've been nothing but satisfied since I started going there.

Now the rest of the store...
Posted: Jun 24, 2008 3:29 pm
 
no experience with the pharmacy, but the rest of ike's makes me madder than any other store i know of. for everything else that place is fucking useless.
Posted: Jun 26, 2008 1:30 pm
 
I usually only bought random shit there, like bad sunglasses and pens with the word Grampa emblazoned on them. I never really went to Ikes for anything of consequence. I think I bought razors there once. Maybe some beer. The place does smell like old strippers though.
Posted: Jun 26, 2008 2:52 pm
 
Re Ike's: They have a display on the upper front wall which contains a photo of a woman who appears to be on her cell phone, calling for help inside a parking deck. It’s a great visual non-sequitur - I have no idea why it's there.
Posted: Jun 26, 2008 5:17 pm
 
It’s a great visual non-sequitur

Yes! But the one that gets me is the big photo on the back wall next to the pharmacy that has a little kid looking through a chain link fence. I actually asked the pharmacy people what it meant and why it was there!
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