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Goner Message Board / ???? / Dead hooker jokes
Author Message
i killed nathan lane
Member
Posted: Jul 24, 2005 12:16 pm    
I need more!

Did you know that 99% of Dead Hookers were battered women first?

And all this time, I was eating mine plain!


What do you tell a Hooker with 2 black eyes?

Nothing. You've already told her twice!


Why did the Hooker fall out of the tree?

Because, she was dead!


Why are Dead Hookers such shitty drivers?

Because, they are women!


Why did the Hooker fall off the swing?

Because, her arms were cut off!


What did the Blind, Deaf, and Dumb Hooker get for Christmas?

Cancer!


What do you call a Hooker with no legs?

A nightcrawler!


What's the difference between your job and a Dead Hooker?

Your job still sucks!


What's the worst thing about killing a chinese hooker?

An hour later, you want to kill another one!


What's the difference between Jello and a Dead Hooker?

Jello wiggles when you eat it!


What's the difference between a Dead Hooker in the road and a dead cat in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dead cat!


What's the difference between a Corvette and a Dead Hooker?

I don't have a Corvette in my garage!


What do you do if your hooker is running around screaming and bleeding in your hotel room?

Shoot her again!


What's the difference between an onion and a hooker?

You don't cry when you chop up a hooker!
i killed nathan lane
Member
Posted: Jul 24, 2005 12:25 pm    
Priest rape and dead baby jokes are also encouraged as well.
Jerry Pierce
Member
Posted: Oct 15, 2012 1:06 am    
What's the difference between a Ferrari and 10 dead hookers?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage:)
Jerry Pierce
Member
Posted: Oct 15, 2012 1:08 am    
So, a hooker walks into a bar.
Bar tender says, "sorry, we don't serve dead hookers"
The hooker say's " But i'm not dead"
The bar tender shoots her in the face
kreepsta
Member
Posted: Nov 30, 2012 3:02 am    
Hear about the hooker that got her head chopped off?


Had a note stapled to it that said " I don't need no body"
danield
Member
Posted: Dec 17, 2012 2:45 pm    
Today, Dec. 17, is the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers: http://www.december17.org/

For people who work in commercial sex and for those close to them, these jokes aren't funny!
I am the Arm
Member
Posted: Dec 17, 2012 7:48 pm    
danield
you probably don't laff at most of what is said on this board.

You should try growing a sense of humor and a thicker hide. People are starting to talk...
SAMBEAUX
Member
Posted: Dec 17, 2012 9:17 pm    
For people who work in commercial sex [industry]...

You mean like Black Mike, the Dildosmith?
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Dec 18, 2012 8:23 am    
is he a "glass" blower?
nickg
Member
Posted: Dec 18, 2012 9:18 am    
danield...many of my friends work in the downtown east side of vancouver bc, where many of their clients are sex workers. i like to think i can get on board with any kind of joke, and i can in proper context. but i get your point. in this region its a pretty touchy subject. in fact an inquiry into why robert pickton (you guys know him? had a pig farm where they found dna and body parts from scores of prostitutes) got away with shit for so long has just been concluded. "police error and public indifference." like i said i can get onboard with lots of black humour, but right now especially the dead hooker jokes dont sit so well with me.

related side: DO americans know about Robert Willie Pickton? i always wonder how much coverage serial killer stories get outside of the region where the crimes happened. growing up in wisconsin i had nightmares about jeffery dahmer for years. later i realized a lot of people only know serial killers by their names and not so much about the whole story. anyway, just sayin...
nickg
Member
Posted: Dec 18, 2012 9:21 am    
Q: what do you get when you cross robert pickton with william shatner?

A: T.J. Hooker=killer.
nickg
Member
Posted: Dec 18, 2012 9:31 am    
hmm...from a book im currently reading:

"'i want to beat up a woman with my fists. are you interested, and if so what would your price be?' francis had put his question to eight prostitutes on Piccadilly, and had had eight refusals, ranging from amusement to affront. obviously he was in the wrong district. These girls, most of them fragile and pretty, were high=priced tarts, not hungry enough to consider his proposal. He found his way to Soho, and on his fourth try had better luck."
ritchie g
Member
Posted: Dec 18, 2012 10:07 am    
is that the new Simon Cowell book?
SAMBEAUX
Member
Posted: Dec 18, 2012 10:50 am    
is that the new Simon Cowell book?


ZING!

is he a "glass" blower?

I thiink he works in the medium of silicone. I like to imagine him shirtless and sweating, hammering away at a red-hot dildo with a 10 lb hammer on an anvil. But I imagine it's more like pulling a lever on a soft serve dispenser.
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Dec 18, 2012 12:21 pm | Edited by: tigerblinds    
Nick G...you need to educate us about William Pickton.

Wow Sam that's a more descriptive explenation than I expected.

So far I've dated 2 girls who I later found out were high-class call girls, in fact one introduced me to the other. Previously, I had always wondered why neither of them would sleep with me, and now I know it's because they weren't "on the clock"...both were spoiled rich girls from good homes, college educated, one had a house her Mom bought her and a preschool age daughter and told me she was an "health insurance agent" I could tell from her apartment she fucked, but couldn't figure out why she wouldn't fuck me....but turns out it's because ole Tigerblinds doesn't pay nobody for sex.

Both of these women considered themselves "feminists" and apparently are part of this community of overly educated hookers...they think they're on the 8th degree of some bullshit feminist category thing, where they use their sexuality to empower themselves.

Guess what, I think feminists are fucking fucked...they can rot in hell.

They were both pretty hot, but they both had B.O. problems and thought it was the funnies thing..I've figured out that if a chick has a B.O. problem she is probbably a "feminist"...

Also the fact that these chicks go around dating regular dudes and not tellthing them how they pay the bills just bugs the hell out of me.
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Dec 18, 2012 12:26 pm    
...not apartment, loft bedroom..my bad. It seems like whenever I have a good story to tell, I have ten people bugging me with work related bullshit...
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Dec 18, 2012 1:07 pm | Edited by: tigerblinds    
Anyway while I'm venting...the one with a kid was at some society party with all these other drunk yuppie socialites...and she calls me up and is like "hey I'm drunk can I come over, so I'm like sure." So she comes over and lays in bed with me, and I try to put the moves on her, and she isn't having it..so I'm like "what's up? Don't you feel the same as me?" and she was like "why don't you make an appointment?"....."What?!" I said, and then she said it again...and I was like "well you're in my bed right now" and then she played it off, and I was lying in bed thinking "this idiot bitch is joking about being a hooker"....so that was that...a few days later I pressed her on coming over again, and she said she had a kid and couldn't handle the pressure and quit talking to me altogether. So then like 5 months later a platonic female friend was telling me about this community of girls, and sure enough, it was these ones...and then I had it confirmed by a few other people.

Times are tough man, I don't think it made any attachment issues I might have any worse, but jesus tits. Times are fucking stupid.

I also have these friends that live next to brothel, their landlord is a lawyer who owns both buildings...apparently you can buy a license and open a de facto whore house......the city doesn't do shit about it, but a social worker caught wind of it and called child services and they raided the house and took their babies......fucked up man. These aren't the high class kind, these are like 19 year olds on meth....if you make eye contact with them they will proposition you or try to fuck you up.
I am the Arm
Member
Posted: Dec 18, 2012 1:14 pm | Edited by: I am the Arm    
This thread is gayer than this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iaAkWy55V3A
nickg
Member
Posted: Dec 18, 2012 1:26 pm    
not sure if youre serious or not, but anyway...

like i said pickton had a pig farm. on this pig farm was a rather rough speakeasy, aptly called The Pig Farm. this is in coquitlam bc, a suburb of vancouver. The Pig Farm was popular with the real tough crowd; bikers, gangsters, etc. mainly HA, so they say. also rumors of pro hockey players attending a number of parties over the years. anyway, cops found DNA of something like 33 separate women when they finally showed up to do a thorough search, after YEARS of pickton's being on their radar. one of the first things they found was a human head which had been bisected vertically and stuffed with a pair of human hands, then stuffed into a slop bucket. as i said they found DNA of many women, but the actual number of women killed is unknown as its unknown exactly how long this stuff had been going on, and pickton had apparently/presumably been grinding up the bodies and feeding them to his pigs. real TCM type stuff. thats texas chainsaw, not turner classic. one of the craziest parts of the whole story is that pickton is a borderline idiot. its not been proven in court but is widely believed that picktons older brother and a woman whose name escapes me were the ringleaders, while ol Willie was the gopher. go=fer? whatever. the idea is that they were running this speakeasy and offering up an Hostel=like experience for the guests.

one of the craziest stories ive ever heard, even compared to the likes of dahmer, gein, the american government...haha.

anyway, thats the short version.

=====

i dont get the cowell joke, maybe hes been in trouble lately? book im reading is Robertson Davies "whats bred in the bone." great book from a great writer.
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Dec 18, 2012 1:27 pm | Edited by: tigerblinds    
Listen Arm....bugger off, I'm on a roll...and whenever I'm a on a roll you go projecting your preference for other men on to us....

So let me just finish by saying I did check into what these girls rates are, and it's way to rich for my blood...maybe like pay day if I wanted waste most of my check...but it's chump change for doctors and lawyers, so I will give them that....but I don't know how many lawyers wives I've gotten to know who have told me that their husbands have huge problems with hookers....well like two or three...won't sleep with them either.

I mean hookers gross me out, I'm not judging anyone, but come on...

Tell a story about your gay prostitutes I Am The Arm.
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Dec 18, 2012 1:30 pm    
Dude Nick G..I'm totally serious about learning more about Pickton, are you reading my posts here? I love pulp crime nonfiction gossip.
nickg
Member
Posted: Dec 18, 2012 1:38 pm    
yeah i might be the only one who actually reads your posts, i think most people gave up years ago.
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Dec 18, 2012 1:40 pm | Edited by: tigerblinds    
Nick there is one or two of those places in every state...man the woods and deserts are scattered with hookers bodies.....some other folks, majority hookers.....I know someone who once stumbled upon a dead hookers body that had been rotting for months...it was a traumatic experience, and a story not fit for Goner board believe it or not.
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Dec 18, 2012 1:41 pm | Edited by: tigerblinds    
i think most people gave up years ago

Don't josh me...the world is full of shit...I'm just living in it.
SAMBEAUX
Member
Posted: Dec 18, 2012 1:46 pm    
I smelled a dead hooker body that had been rotting for a while. I remarked on the smells resemblance to that of a dead hooker and weeks later the cops found a dead hooker's body there. It was stinky but probably not more so than a dead nun or anybody else.
nickg
Member
Posted: Dec 18, 2012 2:07 pm | Edited by: nickg    
if theres one or two of those places in every state, it can still be said that they are not often busted up by the cops then have the story all over the news for people to hear/think about. i was a little kid when dahmer got busted, and i used to have all kindsa nightmares about him. a lot of them, he wasnt even there, itd be like me in my basement with all the walls closing in and blades coming at you and whatnot, but dahmer wasnt there, it was just the over all JEEEEEEEFFREY DAAAAAAHHMMMERRRR!!!!! feeling laid over top of the whole dream. thats just one, but yeah.

id imagine its quite similar to a young kid hearing about the Pig Farm, especially when its so close to home.
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Dec 18, 2012 2:12 pm    

tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Dec 18, 2012 2:21 pm    
Man I don't know Nick...as a child it's hard to keep things in perspective, as an adult it can be just as hard at times...

When I lived way out in the country as a kid I thought it was the most boring place I'd ever been, but it turns out there was a book written about the people we bought the house from, that is a book about loss, Christian forgiveness, and redemption. There was also a book written about our closest neighbors...and yeah that was murder, crime, and corruption...not that much unlike what you're describing just different.....shit like that happens in your back yard it's true. Stay viligant, try not to add to the mess.
I am the Arm
Member
Posted: Dec 18, 2012 2:29 pm    
Q: What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A: They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Q: How many cops does it take to push a hooker down the stairs?
A: None "She fell"
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Dec 18, 2012 3:37 pm | Edited by: tigerblinds    
Ok you and me are cool Arm.
danield
Member
Posted: Dec 18, 2012 11:42 pm    
you probably don't laff at most of what is said on this board.

You should try growing a sense of humor and a thicker hide. People are starting to talk...


@I am Arm: who are you? who are the people starting to talk? are there barriers of entry to this light-hearted powwow? suck my dick?
I am the Arm
Member
Posted: Dec 19, 2012 12:31 pm    


or danield
Razor A Go Go
Member
Posted: Dec 20, 2012 10:34 am    
KILL ALL THE MEN
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Dec 20, 2012 1:37 pm    
at least you don't smell like B.O.
Razor A Go Go
Member
Posted: Dec 20, 2012 1:38 pm    
U DONT KNOW WHAT I SMELL LIKE
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Dec 20, 2012 1:44 pm | Edited by: tigerblinds    
Well I'm basing that on memory.
Razor A Go Go
Member
Posted: Dec 20, 2012 3:31 pm    
Enjoy your misogyny assholes
nickg
Member
Posted: Dec 21, 2012 12:28 am    
you are both fucked.
nickg
Member
Posted: Dec 21, 2012 12:30 am    
no, i take it back.
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Dec 21, 2012 7:58 am | Edited by: tigerblinds    
Hmm...I'm doing alright, I don't feel very fucked. This country has gone down the shitter, but not my fault. Alot of extremists in the world, not my fault.....

Maybe I am fucked, but I have a good niche.
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Dec 21, 2012 8:02 am    
Razor, lighten up Francis!
Razor A Go Go
Member
Posted: Dec 21, 2012 8:13 am    
At least I don't get off on making light of beating, murdering & raping sex workers. Disgusting fuckers.
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Dec 21, 2012 9:31 am    


Look this thread was started in 2005...that counts for alot.
nickg
Member
Posted: Dec 21, 2012 9:54 am    
A: whats the best thing about being a pedophile?

Q: your cock looks so big in that tiny hand!


i am 100% against pedophilia, but i support the above joke 100%.
nickg
Member
Posted: Dec 27, 2012 12:27 pm    
hey chris, just saw this: http://www.vice.com/read/bc-law-enforcement-ignored-a-serial-killer

pretty sure thats the only willie pickton photo that has been made public. at least, its the only one theyve had on the news for the past 10 years.
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Dec 27, 2012 1:35 pm | Edited by: tigerblinds    
Oh jeez, almost looks like someone I could be friends with, like Bobcat Goldthwait or 90's Tim Kerr or something....I said "almost."
Jack Stands
Member
Posted: Dec 27, 2012 2:08 pm    
Razor and Tiger would make the best sitcom.
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Jan 2, 2013 2:00 pm    
Agreed. There is a certain, Je ne sais quois.
Razor A Go Go
Member
Posted: Jan 2, 2013 3:54 pm    
2005 said it wants it jokes back.
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Jan 3, 2013 12:16 am    
No he did not. 2005 says "get over it" he also added some academic speak about the majority of modern womans problems being caused by other women not men...but I was like 'Bro, right over my head'

He also told me to tell a joke about a boy who saw his dad fucking a goat, people asked him if he had a problem with it and he said "na-aahh"
...like a goat get it?

2005 is a cool guy by me.
Razor A Go Go
Member
Posted: Jan 3, 2013 9:40 am    
webshits blah blah blahs
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Jan 3, 2013 1:05 pm | Edited by: tigerblinds    
Bitter X. Trust me I hate you more than you hate me....but I'm not consumed by it.
SAMBEAUX
Member
Posted: Jan 3, 2013 5:28 pm    
Henceforth, all dead hooker jokes will be dead dude-hooker jokes instead of dead chick-hooker jokes to comply with mandates on sexism. Hate the dead hooker, not the gender.
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Jan 4, 2013 8:24 am | Edited by: tigerblinds    
As an adamant Ramones fan, I find that notion offensive...also there is this:


Wire
Member
Posted: Jan 4, 2013 10:40 am    
How are dead hookers like movie posters? Every time I bring one home it winds up hanging on the wall of my basement until it rots off.
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Jan 6, 2013 12:10 pm | Edited by: tigerblinds    
I'm listening to DM Bob and the Deficits: Hooker Bones...then they did Hooker Bones 2....god I wish it was on youtubes.
SAMBEAUX
Member
Posted: Jan 7, 2013 8:25 am    
Man, if, nay WHEN, TSOT plays Louisville, I hope Razor comes to our show and kicks me in the balls.
Razor A Go Go
Member
Posted: Jan 7, 2013 9:11 am    
I am not violent.
SAMBEAUX
Member
Posted: Jan 7, 2013 9:56 am    
And I'm not a misogynist.
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Jan 7, 2013 10:08 am | Edited by: tigerblinds    
I am a potted plant



I am a poltergeist
Razor A Go Go
Member
Posted: Jan 7, 2013 12:33 pm    
And I'm not a misogynist.

I never said you were, and I am an expert on identifying misogynists.
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Jan 7, 2013 12:54 pm | Edited by: tigerblinds    
Don't make me laugh.

I like Anais Nin's attitude...she says the women she admired didn't demand freedom they created it....they didn't ask for equality they took it.

I'm glad you're the expert feminist on the Goner board....you're so very enlightening. Preaching to all us cavemen reading Bukowski by candle light.
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Jan 7, 2013 1:01 pm    
Ass'ole Razor because she knows. I'll be on the shitter reading my tear soaked Robert Bly anthology.
Razor A Go Go
Member
Posted: Jan 7, 2013 1:51 pm    
Pretty funny coming from Goner Bored's resident Cliff Clavin.
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Jan 7, 2013 1:54 pm    
Wow harsh words, but not enough for me to call you the B-word or something to reinforce your martyr victim complex....
SAMBEAUX
Member
Posted: Jan 7, 2013 2:00 pm    
I never said you were, and I am an expert on identifying misogynists.

I know, I was just self-identifying pre-emptively.

But I wish you and Chris would make-up, no kissing necessary.
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Jan 7, 2013 2:35 pm    
Tell me about it Sam...it's a fucking lost cause...I'm too useful as a catylyst to deeper seated issues.

I was in a bad relationship for almost five years...it ran it's course, I learned alot, eventually enough to navigate my way around many negative situations, but it changed the romantic dynamic too drastically...end of story. It's not different than many other peoples experiences. Only people I bore with the details are shrinks and close friends.

I don't have any practical need for kicking dead dogs...her on the other hand...
tigerblinds
Member
Posted: Jan 7, 2013 3:11 pm | Edited by: tigerblinds    
So many great songs not easily available online...not only is DM Bobs Hooker Bones unavailable....but I can't get Workdogs, A Woman Is More Than A Box We Come In....both classics by my estimation.
Marty
Member
Posted: Jul 11, 2014 6:52 pm    
So how is any of this different than talking about violence against blacks, jews, latinos or anyone else? It is hateful speech about the women you think are the lowest of the low. It is not any different than jokes about lynchings, but maybe that's funny and cool to you too. I see a lot of hurt on here. Some of you are expressing anger about relationship that didn't work out or being mistreated by women you have been in relationships. Just because your relationships don't work out or you feel mistreated by one or some women doesn't mean there is something wrong with all women. There are many women who say men have done them wrong too. I feel like the men who think these jokes are funny and want to write them here have low self-esteem and only feel better if they are putting women down.
eric o
Member
Posted: Jul 11, 2014 9:53 pm    
Insert Dead Presidents jokes here?
I am the Arm
Member
Posted: Jul 22, 2014 5:40 pm    
you said Insert
nickg
Member
Posted: Jul 22, 2014 11:20 pm    
Martha....you are missing the point. unlike the last hooker i STABBED! frowny face.
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